I have to get through today, somehow.
I am a bundle of nerves. I have plenty to do to keep --book club is coming over Monday night and I need to clean. I need to clean a lot. I need to go shopping. Al and I plan on going out to lunch and seeing a movie. But no matter what I can't cram in enough to fill my mind every minute of the day.
The problem is this kind of work doesn't turn my mind off. I keep think I either have cancer or I don't and I don't know how to act or what to do until if it is cancer or not.
If it is cancer too bad. I've had cancer and I didn't like it. I don't want to go through that again and I tell myself I won't. I won't have cancer and even if I do -- too bad. I wont do any medical procedure I don't want to do and I don't want to do any of them. I will not have surgery. I will not have radiation. I will not have chemo. I will not lose my hair. I will not need anything from any one. I will not do it.
But all the time I know all of that is a big lie. I will do what ever I need to do to live a long and good life. In fact I will do I need to live.
If it is not cancer I'll be embarrassed. The radiologist and the surgeon have both said they thought it was cancer and I'm afraid. I'll be embarrassed because I showed that fear to my parents to my friends. That is not the me I like to show. I like to be strong. I like to be in control. Now I need them. And worse yet I am showing I need them. That need is okay if it really is cancer but if it isn't, I was scared with out a good reason. In my mind that makes me both needy and a dope. And being both needy and a dope is embarrassing.
It does go with out saying I would rather be embarrassed then have cancer.
Writing helps me feel more in control and feeling more in control makes me feel better.
1 comment:
Below is my favorite part of your latest entry because...
Finally, you admit you needs us and your giving us an opportunity to be there for you! My how you have grown in dealing with lifes issues. I'm sorry it had to be cancer or a cancer scare to bring you to this realization! I'm also glad you are embarrassed! Why should you be the only one who isn't?! Fears, we all have them. If you just look them in the eye they are more scared than you are. I've come to the conclusion that being strong only means the Good Lord may send more our way since we have such strength. I no longer pray for strength! Being a little dopey and needy makes you more approachable, girl! We all want to shelter and protect others but doing that doesn't teach them how to reach out to others nor how to be there for others in their times of needs. These are things we all need lots of practice learning to do.
I've thought and thought and have come up with a way that I want to be there for you through this latest adventure! If it isn't working for you (or not what you want) I hope you will TELL ME! Cause you know I can be a pain in the ass!
Good Lookin!
PS. Ted likes my hair far too much for me to shave it all off in case yours all falls out and someone comes up with the bright idea to do a group solidarity thing - maybe I can shave my arm pits and legs more for you?! Humm Ted might really enjoy that fringe benefit of your illness!!
"If it is not cancer I'll be embarrassed. The radiologist and the surgeon have both said they thought it was cancer and I'm afraid. I'll be embarrassed because I showed that fear to my parents to my friends. That is not the me I like to show. I like to be strong. I like to be in control. Now I need them. And worse yet I am showing I need them. That need is okay if it really is cancer but if it isn't, I was scared with out a good reason. In my mind that makes me both needy and a dope. And being both needy and a dope is embarrassing."
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