Moody Girl

Yesterday evening I was in a very good mood. It started with Al and I going out and having a great dinner with two of his friends. Between me having two glasses of wine and his friends being smart, funny people I left in a great mood. Such a good mood that the refrain in my head had broadened and not only included "I won't do this again" and included "it's a false positive, it's not cancer".



This morning is a different story. I want to be angry with the laws of nature, the laws of the natural universe. I want to be furious with them because the it is just wrong for a person to get two different cancers. It is just so clearly wrong that everyone should know that. No explanations should be given because none should be needed.



Being angry with the universe just doesn't work. It's like being angry at a rock, being angry at God. It just wasted time and effort. Being angry at the immutable doesn't change the process or help me grow and be a stronger person. And being angry at Nature sure doesn't make the cancer go away.



In stead of being angry with Nature or God I depressed. I'm angry with myself.



Many of the causes of cancer are beyond my control. But I did a poor job of controlling the things that I could control.

1. I did not eat healthy or exercise regularly.


2. I ignored the need for follow-up appoints for NHL and did not get routine mammograms.


3. I broke my promise to God that if I recovered from NHL I would live a healthier life.

I'm not angry with myself because I caused the cancer (if indeed I do have cancer). I'm angry because I did not do all the things I could do to live a healthier life and have any possible cancer detected at the earliest possible time.

Written June 6th