That's (above) where I am right now. I"m floating in the middle of this big, open space. The space can be either beautiful and transcendent or overwhelming and empty. Right now I don't know which it is.
I know I'm lucky. I have a treatable cancer. I have family and friends that love and support me. I have wonderful doctors. I know this is just a bump in the road. So why am I so miserable.
I can't bring myself to return calls or e-mails from friends who are reaching out to me. I can't bring my self to exercise even though I know exercise would help me feel better. I can only occasionally bring myself to be more then civil to Al and the boys. The bubbly mom, the goofy mom, the loving mom is gone and I miss her.
I sit and think I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be dependent on nurses, doctors, family and friends. I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to talk about cancer. I don't want to take my clothes off for everyone and their uncle. I don't want people I barely know touching my body. I don't want to explain to another person why I didn't follow-up on oncologist visits, the gynecologist and mammograms. I don't want to explain to myself why I though ignoring routing medical care could ever be a reasonable option for a mother, a wife or an intelligent woman. .
I don't want to explain to my self why when the radiation technicians (treatment for NHL) of ten years ago, were callous, I wasn't more assertive and I didn't tell them their treatment was unacceptable. I know I can be and have been more assertive this time, but I'm not sure I'll be assertive enough if necessary.
I'm scared because I am trusting my life to a set of doctors many with whom I have no real relationship with. I have done some research on each of the ones I know. I've googled them, I checked their licenses at the Maryland State Licensing site. I asked others about them. All of that helps, but it's not enough. Trust is bigger then fact checking. Trust is built on personal experience. It encompasses more then just the mechanics. It includes, at least for me, a personal connection--whether your personality meshes with the personality of the other person.
I'm not sure I fully trust my surgeon. He is highly recommended. He is kind, caring and takes the time to explain the process to me. He is very skilled. He has a warm generous personality. My problem is that he is a little paternalistic. I have the feeling he wants to protect me--or maybe himself on some of the smaller things and therefore gives me a wait and see answer instead of his best guess. That makes me fell that he is not being completely honest and it makes me harder to trust him fully.
It all comes down to I don't want to go through this any more. It's hard. It's disruptive. It kicks me out of my comfortable life rhythm. It is forcing me to grow or stagnate.
1 comment:
Heavenly Father,
You know our spirits and the desires of our hearts. You reach out to us each minute of the day and we turn our backs on you. You are so forgiving of our blindness. Help us to forgive ourselves for the the times we turn from you and others...
So how is your moping about working for you???? (Good ole Dr. Phil) You know Linell I was going to write a long prayer (started above) but part way though I realized you need a good swift kick in the butt instead. Get yourself back into counseling. I know you love it! Your family and friends will treat you the same old way they always have regardless of your cancer, at least I hope we do. We expect the same in return from you. At least I do.
I spoke to you about your holding yourself apart about a year ago and you said you would do better about reaching out to others. I believed you then and I still believe it now. SO DO IT. I for one do not intend to pussy foot around you, cancer or your cancer.
Some times you sit there so high and mighty like you have it all together but you don't any more than the rest of us do. Certainly I don't although I put on a really good show too! Okay you failed to do a few things that would have benefitted you now. Forgive yourself and take the next step. Do some of it now.
I don't want your kids, husband, parents, dogs, cats and friends to feel like you are already gone from them. Your withdrawal makes it seem like you have aready let the cancer have the upper hand. We are all sorry you got the frikin (sp?) cancer back. None of us want to deal with this anymore than you do. If you won't get off your ass for yourself at least do it for your kids. You drew a line for Al with his issues now I draw one for you. Start with your kids and work from there for the rest of us. Your current attitude is setting a terriable example for your chilcren on how to deal with life and lifes issues. Is this the example you want them to follow when they have a problem? To run from and avoid problems, not to talk them out or share with others. Your the momma here and the kids only know what you show them at home.
You got no choice but to buy into this program Women!
If you hate your mamogram visits then plan a happy event to include with them. I for one would love to go with you and make funny faces at you then share a lunch. You know you could get some stickers and make a face on each boob so the next time you have someone wanting to look at them they look back! What a good laugh that would be! Take a camera to get a photo of the look on their faes or better yet have me there with the camera! Or have Kathy and I there too - Kathy would probably pee herself from laughing so hard! You are the one making yourself miserable.
Come on women you have tons of good options and choices to work through this. You are currently choosing to be miserable and that is sucky and it sucks everyone one else down with you.
Talk to your surgeron, tell him how you feel about him. Admit that your scared, explain your fears and need for a connection. Take the first step girl cause refusing to walk gets you NO WHERE! The dang doctor doesn't know you either and he never will unless you open that mouth of yours and let the words out. You speak very, very well and express yourself in a manner that is clear and concise.
The real you doesn't need protection - the Good Lord is looking out for you. What more do you need?
You are strong. I figure you are miserabel because you have not forgiven yourself for the mistakes you made with respect to your personal care. So forgive yourself alredy and move on. Lead and the others will follow you.
So your taking your clothes off and everyone is looking and touching you... I know you always dreamed of being a stripper so here is your chance! Tell one of those people... "I love it when you touch me like that"! or "Didn't you get enough of seeing my body last time I was here?"
You have tons of wit an humor use it!
YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE...
Good Lookin (from her soapbox)
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