The problem with whining around hubby and the boys, that they never read my blog, is that when I want to write about one of the boys, I have to be careful. Neither has enough life experience to have perspective when I write about them. And I love them and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
One son is going through a tough learning experience. He wanted to try something, we all knew it would be a stretch, but we thought it was reachable. It turned out to be just out of his reach.
I’m feeling rather depressed about it. Not that he tried and didn’t make it. He’s a tough kid and this is a learning experience. But …well that:
· I can’t protect him – he is the one that has to go through this. All I can do is give support.
· He’s growing up. I don’t think he’s too upset by the experience, but what if he is hiding his real feelings from me. He’s growing up and needing me less—that does seem to be a constant theme with me
Maybe I should grow up. He is dealing with it
Plain Jane has a list of comments she would put on various blogs if she were in the mood to get the grief. Plain Jane is only one of 6 people to whom I have given the keys to my kingdom (the link to the blog) and the other five are my 3 guys and two good friends (Good Looking and Sweetie). I gave her the link because I was writing about her mothering skills and cause she is my favorite. But after I gave her the link I got a bad case of cold feet and realized I’m not ready for prime time. So I don’t link to anyone and I have a new blog reveal policy of don’t ask don’t tell. And all of that is background to the fact that she I can’t decide what my worst fear is (Jane list fear that is). Either she doesn’t ever read me, or I am number 34.
No, what would be worse is if she said something nice and then I might turn into a years ago Sally Fields and chirp all over these pages “She likes me, she likes me”.
I think I’ll go do real work.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
I Can Fly
I’m so disappointed! I just realized I can’t fly, well really I just realized I can’t glide.
Boy A forgot to turn his clock back last night and woke up an hour early this morning. And of course, if he wakes up early he wakes up too. He must have woken me from a sound sleep, because I remembered my dream and I though about it while I was waiting to fall back asleep. Most of it was silly and dumb, but in the dream I could get around by gliding. I would step off a steep hill and gently glide, standing fully upright, to my destination, --so long as it was downhill. The dream was about something else entirely, this was just my method of transportation, but it was wonderful. It felt real. I was lying in bed remembering the gliding when I suddenly realized it was only a dream. I was so disappointed; it still feels like I just learned Santa Claus isn’t real.
Boy A forgot to turn his clock back last night and woke up an hour early this morning. And of course, if he wakes up early he wakes up too. He must have woken me from a sound sleep, because I remembered my dream and I though about it while I was waiting to fall back asleep. Most of it was silly and dumb, but in the dream I could get around by gliding. I would step off a steep hill and gently glide, standing fully upright, to my destination, --so long as it was downhill. The dream was about something else entirely, this was just my method of transportation, but it was wonderful. It felt real. I was lying in bed remembering the gliding when I suddenly realized it was only a dream. I was so disappointed; it still feels like I just learned Santa Claus isn’t real.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Take a Number
1. I am much funnier and much more interesting in person then I am on this site. And I think that is dang unfair. I think I should be able to write better and show how fantastic I am.
2. luckily no one reads this, not even dear hubby, good looking, sweetie, Boy A or Boy B
3. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I went to see my wonderful, intelligent, stupid scum-sucking doctor for a blood pressure check and I complained about feeling lightheaded and dizzy especially after bending over. He said it was probably a reaction to either blood pressure medicine or the antidepressant and did it bother me enough to change. Yes it bothers me enough to want to change. It makes me feel sick. It makes me walk like a drunk, staggering from side to side. And I never want to look like I am a drunk.
4. mostly I want him to read my mind and know that it bothers me a lot. I don’t want to have to say it. Saying it makes me sound (at least to me) like a wuss. And yes I know that is stupid. I don’t want to have to read his mind, or my husbands mind, or my bosses mind, but they should all be able to read part of my mind, though only the part I want them to read. I sure don’t want doctor to read the part that calls him a stupid scum sucker.
5. I think I’ll try my heelies again. Last time I fell and hit my head. This time I will be protected. I’ll wear a helmet and use my father’s walker. When I told the boys what I was going to do, they forbade me to do it outside. They would be humiliated.
6. I have only 18 more weeks till R-day.
7. I have a newly discovered blog love--Fat Doctor
8. I can't post any pictures until I get my laptop back.
9. I still miss my laptop.
10. I still love Plain-Jane, Vast Veranda and Bitchypoo.
11. My love for them is unrequited.
2. luckily no one reads this, not even dear hubby, good looking, sweetie, Boy A or Boy B
3. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I went to see my wonderful, intelligent, stupid scum-sucking doctor for a blood pressure check and I complained about feeling lightheaded and dizzy especially after bending over. He said it was probably a reaction to either blood pressure medicine or the antidepressant and did it bother me enough to change. Yes it bothers me enough to want to change. It makes me feel sick. It makes me walk like a drunk, staggering from side to side. And I never want to look like I am a drunk.
4. mostly I want him to read my mind and know that it bothers me a lot. I don’t want to have to say it. Saying it makes me sound (at least to me) like a wuss. And yes I know that is stupid. I don’t want to have to read his mind, or my husbands mind, or my bosses mind, but they should all be able to read part of my mind, though only the part I want them to read. I sure don’t want doctor to read the part that calls him a stupid scum sucker.
5. I think I’ll try my heelies again. Last time I fell and hit my head. This time I will be protected. I’ll wear a helmet and use my father’s walker. When I told the boys what I was going to do, they forbade me to do it outside. They would be humiliated.
6. I have only 18 more weeks till R-day.
7. I have a newly discovered blog love--Fat Doctor
8. I can't post any pictures until I get my laptop back.
9. I still miss my laptop.
10. I still love Plain-Jane, Vast Veranda and Bitchypoo.
11. My love for them is unrequited.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Boys have Adventures--Moms Have None
It looks like Boy A is going on a school sponsored trip to London, Paris and Rome this spring break. He is going with a friend and the friends parents are going too. He is so excited. And I am so scared. Planes fall out of the sky, subways are attacked. What if he doesn’t come home? Why can’t I wrap him in a hand made quilt and pack him away? I could pull him out when I needed a hug and put him back when he got too mouthy?
This growing up stuff is both great and horrible. I love seeing him mature and become more responsible – though he sure has heck can’t turn off lights, close a door he opens or pick up after himself. But I miss him being little. I miss him needing me.
Boy B is wrapped up in the World of Warcraft game. He wants to spend his life on the computer. Now that mine is broken, he needs to share the table top one with his brother. He is quite annoyed. I did set up parental controls, limiting his time. Or at least I got his older brother to set up the controls. But Boy B figured out how to get around them. He wanted to start on the game 15 minutes early one day. When I said I did not know the password he sent off to their automated system and had the pass word sent via e-mail. He changed the time to 15 minutes earlier and proudly told me what he did. Somehow when they do something off, but tell you about it, it is hard to scold.
This growing up stuff is both great and horrible. I love seeing him mature and become more responsible – though he sure has heck can’t turn off lights, close a door he opens or pick up after himself. But I miss him being little. I miss him needing me.
Boy B is wrapped up in the World of Warcraft game. He wants to spend his life on the computer. Now that mine is broken, he needs to share the table top one with his brother. He is quite annoyed. I did set up parental controls, limiting his time. Or at least I got his older brother to set up the controls. But Boy B figured out how to get around them. He wanted to start on the game 15 minutes early one day. When I said I did not know the password he sent off to their automated system and had the pass word sent via e-mail. He changed the time to 15 minutes earlier and proudly told me what he did. Somehow when they do something off, but tell you about it, it is hard to scold.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
More of Nothing
I love Project Runway, but I can’t watch it when it first airs. It makes me uncomfortable to see someone booted off or on the last show to see the others lose. I like to read about it first online before I watch it. Weird!
I’m listening to The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman. It is the November book for book club. I bought the book at Audible.com and downloaded it on my iPod. It is good, but is too long. I like unabridged books; I don’t want to miss anything. But I wish I had checked to see if there was an abridged copy of this book available. I’m having a hard time staying awake while I listen to it.
Speaking of falling asleep while listening to the iPod, it works. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping these days, and I have found that listening to a book or podcast on the iPod, in bed helps me fall asleep. I try to listen to a history lesson type podcast, or a written history. They work a lot better then a Stephen King novel. The only down side is I don’t seem to hear much of it because I usually fall asleep quite soon. And if it is something I am really interested in I have to click back to find the last part I remember hearing.
I’m listening to The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman. It is the November book for book club. I bought the book at Audible.com and downloaded it on my iPod. It is good, but is too long. I like unabridged books; I don’t want to miss anything. But I wish I had checked to see if there was an abridged copy of this book available. I’m having a hard time staying awake while I listen to it.
Speaking of falling asleep while listening to the iPod, it works. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping these days, and I have found that listening to a book or podcast on the iPod, in bed helps me fall asleep. I try to listen to a history lesson type podcast, or a written history. They work a lot better then a Stephen King novel. The only down side is I don’t seem to hear much of it because I usually fall asleep quite soon. And if it is something I am really interested in I have to click back to find the last part I remember hearing.
Monday, October 23, 2006
I am Woman and Life is Hard
I had this plan in my head about the way things would work out. I was going to stand up for myself, I was going to be strong, I could hear Helen Reddy singing in the background (I am woman, I am strong…). But things did not work out the way I has planned. I didn’t get the outcome I thought I would. I didn’t get the outcome I wanted. And I understood that that could happen, but I wanted the outcome I wanted.
I know that if I had the chance to do it all over again, there is not much I would change. I still prefer the me who stood up for herself, but every once and I while something happens that makes me realize there is often a price to every gain. And that price can sometimes be very high. The price I paid for standing up form my self was high; I lost someone I thought was a good friend.
That loss makes me sad. Even though the price was worth the gain, it is a hard price to pay.
And my lap top won't turn on. I have to get in line at home behind 3 guys. Life is hard. I am addicted to that lap top.
I know that if I had the chance to do it all over again, there is not much I would change. I still prefer the me who stood up for herself, but every once and I while something happens that makes me realize there is often a price to every gain. And that price can sometimes be very high. The price I paid for standing up form my self was high; I lost someone I thought was a good friend.
That loss makes me sad. Even though the price was worth the gain, it is a hard price to pay.
And my lap top won't turn on. I have to get in line at home behind 3 guys. Life is hard. I am addicted to that lap top.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Disjointed Ramblings
Went out last night with the girls and had a great time. Mostly we sit and talk about our lives. It’s especially interesting since though we are all relatively close in age, we are at very different stages in our relationship live. Good looking is single and was looking, though she recently started dating someone very, very special, Sweetie and her husband are empty nesters, living far away from the grandkids, but close to the granddog and I am the mother of teens who both dreams about and dreads the empty nest days. We have different political beliefs, different religions different out looks on life, but we always have a great time together. Most of that is because we can and do talk about anything. Nothing is taboo and while we offer feedback on each others actions, it is loving feedback. In a way they are like my husband or my therapist. I can say what I feel or think and know they will still love me. It’s what friendship should be.
My parents frequently say that getting older is not for sissies. The physical changes are hard to take. I can see some of what they are saying in my own life. I take medicine for blood pressure and recently I have started to feel lightheaded when I get up in the morning. The feeling gets worse after I take my shower. The other day I bent over to pick up the dirty clothes thought I going to pass out. I could not walk in a straight line and even holding on to the furniture I staggered around like a drunk, and no I don’t drink a bottle of wine before I even get out of bed. I do have an appointment with the stupid doctor (he’s not stupid and I like him-but it makes me feel better to call him the stupid doctor-though not to his face) next week. I guess that is a good thing.
My life seems to be paralleling plain-Jane (through no fault of her own), Boy B is now obsessed with that dang World of Warcraft –or some such name- game. The worst part of it is has taken over my laptop so he can play on it while Boy A hogs the table top. I am going through computer withdrawal. I have to admit it that I think Hubby is happier, I talk to him now instead of catching up on my blogs and playing dynamite.
This was just a series of disjointed stories, I am feeling disjointed. It took me an extra half hour to get to work because their was an accident on the beltway, the beltway was backed up and the feeder roads were also backed up. Unfortunately the folks on Route 70 don’t realize the far left lane is all mine.
My parents frequently say that getting older is not for sissies. The physical changes are hard to take. I can see some of what they are saying in my own life. I take medicine for blood pressure and recently I have started to feel lightheaded when I get up in the morning. The feeling gets worse after I take my shower. The other day I bent over to pick up the dirty clothes thought I going to pass out. I could not walk in a straight line and even holding on to the furniture I staggered around like a drunk, and no I don’t drink a bottle of wine before I even get out of bed. I do have an appointment with the stupid doctor (he’s not stupid and I like him-but it makes me feel better to call him the stupid doctor-though not to his face) next week. I guess that is a good thing.
My life seems to be paralleling plain-Jane (through no fault of her own), Boy B is now obsessed with that dang World of Warcraft –or some such name- game. The worst part of it is has taken over my laptop so he can play on it while Boy A hogs the table top. I am going through computer withdrawal. I have to admit it that I think Hubby is happier, I talk to him now instead of catching up on my blogs and playing dynamite.
This was just a series of disjointed stories, I am feeling disjointed. It took me an extra half hour to get to work because their was an accident on the beltway, the beltway was backed up and the feeder roads were also backed up. Unfortunately the folks on Route 70 don’t realize the far left lane is all mine.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
26 Candles
I was going to remove a candle a week and take a picture a week. I do remove the candle, but only take a picture every couple of weeks. That's okay. I'm getting closer and closer to retiring and really looking forward to it.
In this picture, hubby has a fire extinguisher -- part of me was afraid I was going to burn the house down. Twenty six candles on one small mantle was a lot.
That was 6 and a half weeks ago.
I'm home today. I felt really light headed and couldn't even walk straight. That has happened several times recently. I should call the stupid doctor, bt I hate doctors. I hate going to the doctor.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
I Want Him to Need Me
One of the county high schools is organizing a Spring break trip to London, Paris and Rome. One of Boy A’s friends is going on the trip, and his parents will be going too. Boy A wants to go. I want to let him, it would be a great opportunity, it would also be the first time he went anywhere (for other then a day) with out us or grandparents. I want him to go, he probably will go, but at the same time it scares the hell out of me. What if the plane explodes, what if there is another attack on a subway system over there, what if…, you parents know all the “what ifs” that are going through my mind. I worry about all the bad things that could, but are very unlikely to happen. I also worry about the good things that are likely to happen, he’ll mature, he’ll realize he doesn’t need us so much; he’ll grow up more and more. He is growing up. And I like it, but I miss his needing me so much. Every week he needs me a little less. He is hanging with friends, making intelligent decisions, needing me less. I still need him to need me.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Misery Does Not Want Company
Boy A had a Birthday, Poker, Sleep Over Party and I am exhauseted and feeling miserable and sorry for myself. I don't know why I'm feeling so blah. His party went well, the guys were very nice. He had a great time, they didn't get much sleep, but they were relatively quiet and if I could have slept I would have gotten enough sleep. I'm not sleep deprived.
Partly I'm angry with myself. I brought home some wine, because I had promised the mom of one of the boys that I would have chilled white wine ready for her. Unfortunately I had a glass with her and two more after she left. The last was while I was watching TV in my room (Hubby and I were banished to our bedroom except for periodic parent checks) until takeout dinner arrived. It took about 20 minutes for it to come, or so I hear. I was sound asleep by the time the delivery guy arrived and I didn't wake up until midnight. I was tired, but I doubt I would have slept so soundly if I hadn't had so much to drink. Why didn't I stop at one or two glasses. I feel like an alcoholic in the making and I don't like it. I missed my son's party. I didn't lead the singing of happy birthday. I wasn't there when he opened his presents. I feel very. very remiss.
Misery doesn't want company because all I want to do is sulk in my room. And dang, at 55 I think it is against the law to sulk all day.
Partly I'm angry with myself. I brought home some wine, because I had promised the mom of one of the boys that I would have chilled white wine ready for her. Unfortunately I had a glass with her and two more after she left. The last was while I was watching TV in my room (Hubby and I were banished to our bedroom except for periodic parent checks) until takeout dinner arrived. It took about 20 minutes for it to come, or so I hear. I was sound asleep by the time the delivery guy arrived and I didn't wake up until midnight. I was tired, but I doubt I would have slept so soundly if I hadn't had so much to drink. Why didn't I stop at one or two glasses. I feel like an alcoholic in the making and I don't like it. I missed my son's party. I didn't lead the singing of happy birthday. I wasn't there when he opened his presents. I feel very. very remiss.
Misery doesn't want company because all I want to do is sulk in my room. And dang, at 55 I think it is against the law to sulk all day.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Tips of the Day
Fashion Tip for the day—snazzy shoes with lots of air holes may not be a good choice for the cooler fall days.
Driving Tip for the day—Allowing one or two school busesexit from the school parking lot to the main road is nice, allowing all 5 million and 8 is rude and the normally pleasant person behind you will resist getting out of the car and beating you with a stick only by sitting on the horn and talking about your lack of brains.
Parking Tip of the day--remember where you park you stupid car so you don't need to call your long suffsufferinguse (who works for the same place) saying "honey I can't find my car. Can you come help me look?" The when he finds it where you swore you did'didn'tk you wont have to feel like a fool.
Driving Tip for the day—Allowing one or two school busesexit from the school parking lot to the main road is nice, allowing all 5 million and 8 is rude and the normally pleasant person behind you will resist getting out of the car and beating you with a stick only by sitting on the horn and talking about your lack of brains.
Parking Tip of the day--remember where you park you stupid car so you don't need to call your long suffsufferinguse (who works for the same place) saying "honey I can't find my car. Can you come help me look?" The when he finds it where you swore you did'didn'tk you wont have to feel like a fool.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Weekend At the Spa
Hubby and I spent a wonderful weekend at Deerfield spa in Pa. I had a wonderful time and he had a nice time. The food was fantastic and healthy. It really surprised me that I could eat so well on so few calories. It inspired me to cook with less fat and more vegetables. The first dinner I made when we came back was chicken and mixed veggies. Each portion had about a cup of veggies and the meat from a chicken thigh. Hubby and I loved it, the boys not so much.
We each had a massage. I loved the part where she pulled on my neck as if to make me taller.
We exercised some, but didn't really take good advantage of the opportunity. We took a nice walk in a nearby park, about a mile or a little more and I swam laps in the heated outdoor pool. I loved the pool, the water was the perfect temperature, I was the only one in the pool and it felt like I was in heaven. I liked it so much I think I'll start swimming at the local indoor pool. I say that now, but body image is hard. Part of the reason I didn't do more exercises at the spa, was body image, skill----what the heck, it all goes back to I didn't do group exercises because I did not want people to see me exercise, I did not want them to see me jiggle, to see my lack of skill and grace.
Oh well, I did take a walk after dinner. I ate healthy. And I only have 21 more weeks till I retire.
We each had a massage. I loved the part where she pulled on my neck as if to make me taller.
We exercised some, but didn't really take good advantage of the opportunity. We took a nice walk in a nearby park, about a mile or a little more and I swam laps in the heated outdoor pool. I loved the pool, the water was the perfect temperature, I was the only one in the pool and it felt like I was in heaven. I liked it so much I think I'll start swimming at the local indoor pool. I say that now, but body image is hard. Part of the reason I didn't do more exercises at the spa, was body image, skill----what the heck, it all goes back to I didn't do group exercises because I did not want people to see me exercise, I did not want them to see me jiggle, to see my lack of skill and grace.
Oh well, I did take a walk after dinner. I ate healthy. And I only have 21 more weeks till I retire.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
God Loves His Children
The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. ~Arthur SchopenhauerThere is a Fly in His Drink
We went to a new restaurant tonight, and it was fancier and pricier then we thought it would be. All the guys loved their food, by I tried some dang kind of shark and it tasted ick. I spent $30 bucks for a meal that I could not eat. The problem is I didn't like it. I don't think food is returnable if I just make a wrong choice. If it had been poorly cooked or prepared, that would of bee different, but since I just made a bad choice I ate my salad and my rice and drank my wine.
Luckily, I received a free glass of wine because Boy A found a fly in his soda. He got a new drink too. I enjoyed the wine.
I've been thinking about the Amish today. I am struck by the way they deal with tragedy. I see the value of working not to hold anger against the person who has done them wrong. Especially in a case like this. I look at the hurtful things that have happened to me. I want to hold on to the anger, I want to blame, I want the person who hurt me to hurt. The sad thing is that none of that brings relief. Holding on to anger and blame, hurts the holder and has no effect on the person we blame. If the Amish can forgive the man who killed their children, I should be able to forgive all those I think have harmed me. I still have my children. I can hold them, see them. I can and do thank God for adding them to my life. I have all that I really need. I have my family.
Luckily, I received a free glass of wine because Boy A found a fly in his soda. He got a new drink too. I enjoyed the wine.
I've been thinking about the Amish today. I am struck by the way they deal with tragedy. I see the value of working not to hold anger against the person who has done them wrong. Especially in a case like this. I look at the hurtful things that have happened to me. I want to hold on to the anger, I want to blame, I want the person who hurt me to hurt. The sad thing is that none of that brings relief. Holding on to anger and blame, hurts the holder and has no effect on the person we blame. If the Amish can forgive the man who killed their children, I should be able to forgive all those I think have harmed me. I still have my children. I can hold them, see them. I can and do thank God for adding them to my life. I have all that I really need. I have my family.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
My Boys are Driving me Bonkers
Boy A was just sent to his room for taking my wallet out of my purse and sneaking it into the computer room. He was going to sign up so he could bid for something on eBay.
He had asked his dad for a credit card and we told him no. We did not want to sign up on eBay till we knew more about it. So he walked into the other room and took my wallet. When he was caught, he spent his time alternating between saying he did not do anything wrong and we were so dumb because we would not sign up for eBay. Grrr. I sent him to his room. He came out after a few minutes asking if he could come down, because after all he didn't do anything wrong.
Oh well, it goes with his age. In many ways I think this is a wonderful age. I see him alternating between being a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young man and a self centered little pain in the butt. I see him grow and expand and become an interesting person. We'll all get through it.
He had asked his dad for a credit card and we told him no. We did not want to sign up on eBay till we knew more about it. So he walked into the other room and took my wallet. When he was caught, he spent his time alternating between saying he did not do anything wrong and we were so dumb because we would not sign up for eBay. Grrr. I sent him to his room. He came out after a few minutes asking if he could come down, because after all he didn't do anything wrong.
Oh well, it goes with his age. In many ways I think this is a wonderful age. I see him alternating between being a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young man and a self centered little pain in the butt. I see him grow and expand and become an interesting person. We'll all get through it.
Monday, October 02, 2006
PreRetirement Trial
I was off all last week, on sick leave. Monday was the CAT scan to verify that the cancer has not come back, Tuesday I just felt miserable - either a reaction to the contrast dye, or the start of the cold that kept me home for the rest of the week. It is just wrong, I want to spend my days off doing something a little more exciting then drinking tons of water to bloat myself so the CAT scan can see all there is to see or feeling miserable and sleeping. Oh well in 22 weeks, I will.
And of course, going back to work after taking an unplanned week off is like dropping into hell for a short while. I was way to busy. And I'll be way to busy tomorrow.
Even so, it was good to get out of the house and do stuff.
Hubby and I are going to a health spa this weekend - Friday thru Sunday. I'm kind of scared. I am neither fit nor thin. I am going because I want to make health and fitness a priority. I want to jump start exercise and good eating. What if we don't fit in with the other people there? What if the staff look at us with disgust? I tell myself I'm 55 and don't care what people think about me, but really I do. I shouldn't but I do.
Maybe I'll just plain be out and out rude to anyone who disses me.
I will tell myself all the way up that we are there to make a big change. We are there for ourselves and if they are rude to me, I will talk about them like a dirt dog.
And of course, going back to work after taking an unplanned week off is like dropping into hell for a short while. I was way to busy. And I'll be way to busy tomorrow.
Even so, it was good to get out of the house and do stuff.
Hubby and I are going to a health spa this weekend - Friday thru Sunday. I'm kind of scared. I am neither fit nor thin. I am going because I want to make health and fitness a priority. I want to jump start exercise and good eating. What if we don't fit in with the other people there? What if the staff look at us with disgust? I tell myself I'm 55 and don't care what people think about me, but really I do. I shouldn't but I do.
Maybe I'll just plain be out and out rude to anyone who disses me.
I will tell myself all the way up that we are there to make a big change. We are there for ourselves and if they are rude to me, I will talk about them like a dirt dog.
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