The Powerful, the Brave and the Free

I’m sitting here thinking I don’t have anything to say, I don’t want to think. I didn’t write yesterday. I don’t feel like writing today. So why do I have a blog. What purpose does it serve? I know it calls to me. I know I feel the need to have a blog.

I started this blog months ago yet stopped after a few entries because I was hurt that no one read it or left comments. I would leave a comment on other sites with a link to my site and excitedly check the next day to see if they had left a comment on my site. No one ever did. I was hurt and I was tired of always being disappointed, so I stopped. The problems is, I missed it. Having an online blog fulfills a need I didn’t know I had. It makes me feel powerful and brave. It doesn’t matter, at least for now, that no one reads it. It just matters that I have the courage to be open and real.

Right now there may not be much in here that looks like any big deal. It may not look like there is anything written here to worry about. But it is a big deal to me. It shows that I am not perfect. It shows that I have failed; I did not get a promotion I desperately wanted and know I deserved. It shows I’m not a perfect mom and my kids aren’t perfect kids. Maybe that’s why I don’t care whether or not anyone reads it. Being open means I am vulnerable. It comes under that tree falling in the forest story. If I write personal information in a journal that no one reads am I really making myself vulnerable?

I’m vulnerable because I have always worried too much about what people think about me. I don’t really expect others to think I am perfect, they can tell readily that I’m not, but I want everyone to think I am on the wonderful side of good, of interesting, of funny, of nice, of likeable. I want to be likeable. I want everyone to like me, though I don’t feel compelled to like everyone. Since I want everyone to like me, I struggle with being open and real.

This online blog is another step towards being real and being open; with letting people see the real me. After all I like the real me. I don’t want to change me and be someone else. I just need to learn to accept that people who are important to me will still like the real me and If they don’t then they aren’t worth being important to me.