This and That

I need to find my camera and charge the batteries. I've completed 2 quilts, 2 quilt tops and all the pieces of a two sided quilt (those 30 pieces need to be put together). I am pleased with all of them and want to post the pictures here.

I am still waiting for my hair to grow. I miss it. I keep noticing everyone else's hair. A guy at the store today had a ponytail of long blond hair. I wanted it.

Christmas in retail is hectic. I worked an average of 40 hours a week for the last couple of weeks. Work in retail is busy and demanding. Customers are lined up waiting for help. And generally they are on the cranky side. All of it must have worn me out. I had yesterday off and slept 24 hours straight. I was awake for 8 hours then slept for another 6. Thanks for all that sleep I felt pretty good today. Poor Al had a nice day of activities planned. I slept too long to do any of them.

I wore my knitted socks to work today and my feet almost baked. Those socks were way too warm.

It is Crazy in the Store

Dang, I just lost my post.

The store is crowded, the lines are unbelievably long and most customers' nerves are frayed.
The stacks of recovery (books to be put away) are huge, cups of coffee are spilled, customer requests are endless, story time readers (me) fall off the stool, my feet hurt and all in all it was a great day.

But I am glad to be home.

The boys are spending two days with there grandparents and Al and I are having a taste of the empty nest. I think we are going to like it.

I'm beat and can't think of anything interesting to say. I'll try to update tomorrow.

All That Worry Was For Naught

The other day I was worried because one of the medical tests, the echocardiagram, indicated mild heart problems which could have been caused by one of the cancer medications, Herceptin. The test showed Mitral Valve Reguritation. The oncologist did not think the results were realistic. I had my first echocardiagram 3 months earlier which showed normal results. My adored Oncologist insisted my heart could not have deteriorated that much in 3 months. Since I'll have another test in 3 months, I've decided to trust the Oncologist. All doctors are pigs.

Carry On or Wait

A few days ago my regular Doctor called to say that the echocardiogram showed some complications. And my most adored (Oncologist - who does not respond to non-office visit queries), had indicated earlier that those complications, which are most likely caused by Herceptin, will most likely mean stopping Herceptin for awhile.

I don't want the complications and I don't want to stop the Herceptin. (Studies show that a year's worth of Herceptin reduces the risk of recurrence significantly. Three months (I've had 3months worth) may be as effective but no one really knows. I don't want the cancer to come back. We (the doctors and I) had a nice little plan and I don't want to change it.

I see the adored Oncologist tomorrow to find out what is what.

Cancer sucks. Complications suck. And I still want hair.

I Want Hair and I Want it Now

It's been 5 weeks and my hair hasn't started to grow back yet. Five weeks. I have become very aware of peoples' hair every time I am in public. Everyone. Everyone, but me has hair. Oh a few men have bald spots here and there but they still have hair. Some men shave their heads, but they too have hair. I need hair. I want hair. And I want it now.

Not Exhausted

I worked for 8 hours today in the Kid's department and for the first time in ages I came home tired but not exhausted. Life is good. My red blood count must be increasing.

I'm working on various quilts these days. A pink lap quilt for me to commemorate getting through treatment and a modified log cabin block quilt for Ben. For Ben I am using the jungle Moda's Silly Safari material which is bright, colorful and full of snakes. The only problem with working for pay is I don't have enough time to quilt.

Tears in Our Eyes

All four of us stayed up to watch the election returns. I couldn't really allow my self to believe that the polls were right and Obama would win. It was a wonderful night.


What really surprised and impressed me was seeing the tears in the eyes of so many Obama supporters , supporters of all races, sexes and ages. I had tears in my own eyes hearing the results and listening to the speeches of both McCain and Obama. The election results say something powerful to many of us about how this country is growing and changing for the better. It is powerful to have lived to see an election season that included a woman and a black man running for the highest office in the land, to see a woman running for vice president and to be a viable contender. What is especially meaningful is to see the person I believe is best suited ,out of all those who threw their hats in the ring, win so resoundingly.

I also want to say how powerful and healing McCain's speech was. I think that speech showed the real McCain, a McCain that was lost during this very negative campaign.

This day means a lot to me, to my family. Life is good

I Voted For Hair

It has been three weeks since my last chemo and my hair is still not growing. I am tired of being bald (I really do like hairless legs and pits). I do not like having a cold head. I want hair. So this morning I voted for hair. I sure hope it works.

The latest card, sent to me by GL, is above. I think it is my favorite. The cute little pig dances.

I had my first Herceptin IV this morning. It went well, except for the fact that the nurse told me I was very anemic and might need a transfusion. The Doctor decided to wait a week and see what happens to my red blood cell count. The anemia does explain why I am so tired all the time. It will get better. And all if it, the anemia, the tiredness, the cancer are all indicators that I need to live healthier. I need to eat right and exercise.

Grading My Life

I found my camera and was ready to take a picture of Good Looking's latest wonderful card, but the battery is dead. Now I have to find the dang recharger. Oh wow my life is hard.

I am doing good, (life style changes wise) probably at the B level. I am walking some, but should be doing more. Walking is probably a C. I am eating healthier and that is at the A level.
Al and I shopped at Trader Joe's a few days ago. We bought lots of fresh and organic veggies. I made a so-so veggie soup, which I am eating for at least one meal a day. I am cutting back on meat somewhat. So for none of it is hard.

The hard part may be the macrobiotic eating. Lots of rice and fresh veggies (that part is okay) but it is Japanese based and includes seaweed and other veggie things which sound strange. I know no one else in the family will eat any of it. I think the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable are all the claims that it is cancer free eating. It sounds too much like snake oil. I want to ignore just for the claims. I did promise I would try, so I guess I will get some of the stuff I need and make a meal or two.

I'm Walking,Oh Yeah I'm Walking

So it hasn't been all that far and not all that often, but I have been walking recently. All because so called knowledgeable people say it will make me feel better. They are obviously pigs. They are right, but pigs never the less.

I finished listening to the Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett. Dang was that book long. Forty some hours. It wasn't bad, but it was far from a favorite. I don't think I would recommend it to anyone. It was about life in 12th century England and the building of a cathedral. It just didn't seem to give alot of information for as long as it was. God knows it was long, it went on forever, but I can't say I learned much. Maybe cathedral building just isn't my thing. Another part of the reason I didn't much like it was the bits of hinky sex. I don't like reading about women being hurt and abused, especially when it seems gratuitous, just thrown in to interest men.

This post is a bunch of this and that, none of it really connected. Above was the this and next is the that. I am in the post chemo move on, thinking about eating healthier. Bill, the therapist, is suggesting a macrobiotic diet. I don't think I am ready to go that far just yet, but lots more fruits and veggies, less fat,less meat and eating organic sounds good. Tomorrow I think I will go grocery shopping and make a nice veggie soup. Sounds good.

Chemo is done and life is good.

Chemo is Fnished, Praise the Lord

Yesterday I survived the last chemo session. It took three nurses 7 attempts to find a vein they could get into properly. It seems chemo wears out the veins and they all try to pack up and go to Paris, France. I'm just too tired to go now, so they can't either.



I am so glad chem is done. It has gotten easier each session, but it is tiring. I am, according to the nurses, very anemic. Which means I am tired. But it will get better. Soon I'll be back to me and have a some hair. Life will be even better.



Chemo is done, but I will have nine more months of going to that office every three weeks for an IV of Herceptin, which targets the Her2/neu part of my cancer. Her2/new is an aggressive form of breastcancer. Luckily this drug along with the Femera, one of the drugs for Estrogen/Progestrine positive cancer,saves lives. I asked the doctor yesterday what the recurrence rate was for m kind of cancer. He said that if I had only had surgery and radiation the recurrence rate was 40% but adding in chemo and the above drugs drops it down to about 8% I say thank God for research, and modern medicine. I say life is good.



And my stupid computer is still in the shop. It's not stupid viruses, it is shoddy workmanship and poor repairs. This is the sixth time it has been in for the same problem. The battery will not hold a charge. I would get into the details, but they are boring. This time they are to replace the computer. We'll see.

My Computer is in the Shop Again

Geek Squad counted the times it has been sent back. This is the ninth in about 18 months. They are driving me crazy.

Last chemo is coming up and life is looking better. In a couple of months I'll be growing hair. Life is good with hair on your head.

Chemo Related Fatique

Today I saw Adam, the physicians assistant in the Oncologist's office.

• By the way I adore Adam, but the I adore just about everyone in the practice. Not only are almost all of them really nice people, they are saving my life. And yeah, if you save my life, I'll talk really nice about you for a while.
• Adam is almost as nice as the Oncologist, Jon. Jon is the most adored and Adam is the almost most adored.

I saw Adam today and whined abut feeling so tired. And whined some more about how tired my muscles were when I did something like take a shower or vacuum the floor. Adam, in the nicest possible way, told me (and I am paraphrasing here) Chemo related fatigue is real and difficult but sitting on your butt most of the day exacerbates the fatigue. So get off your butt and take a walk.

He is obviously a worthless, no good, rain streaked irrit-monkey. A pig-bean. Hurrumph.

I did leave the office feeling better. Adam is still my almost most adored.

The Good, The Bad and The Odds and Ends

There's a bunch of good:

• I'm posting
• I'm 3/4s the way thru the chemo part of treatment (and chemo is the hardest part of treatment)
• I've lost 5 pounds each chemo session
• I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and the best family in the entire world

The Bad is :

• chemo including herceptin is exhausting. I do feel physically better this time then the first two, but I also feel exhausted. I take a shower and need to rest. I vacuum half the rug and need to lie down. I keep thinking I'll feel better and better each day but I feel the same. I want to be better, I want to be well. I see the doctor tomorrow and will talk to him about how I'm feeling.
• I have gained back the 5 pounds I lose in the days after chemo in the week before the next session because I am depressed at the thought of going through it again

The other is that my life is pretty dang dull these days. I am sick of knitting, I don't have the energy to quilt or read a book. I can listen to books on tape or watch TV but both of those get old quick.

Luckily I have had gone to work after chemo sessions 1 and 2. I like work. It gives me something to do other then feel sorry for myself and every once in a blue moon lets me meet a memorably rude and nasty customer. And memorably rude/nasty customers stand out because they are so few and far between. And It gives me a story to tell which enlivens my dull routine. Of course the names and identities of the obnoxious are not mentioned to protect the guilty (and me since this is posted on the Internet).

I won't go in to the details of the latest, it's boring. Suffice it to say she was rude, demanding and obviously felt entitled. She did not understand that she could have accomplished the what she wanted by asking instead of demanding. The store believes in customer service, so do I. I provide service to the nice and nasty alike. I would rather do it for someone who is polite but it is my job to do it no matter what. Her behaviour has a small impact on me, I get irritated, I fuss and tell the story to others. Then I let it go and just chalk it up to some people are really weird.

Her behaviour had a minimal impact on me, it was a blip in my day, a story to share. It must have a huge impact on her and the people close to her. How do her co-workers deal with her, her friends, her family? She may not treat them like that, but she treated me that way in front of a friend. If a friend treated other people that way in front of me, it would have a huge impact on our friendship.

She, as we all do, lives with the consequences of her actions. I think her actions close her off and make her a sad, pathetic woman. I truly feel sorry for her.

Fake Blue Wig

Tuesday I started wearing chemo caps. When I brushed my hair that morning it was sparse and patchy. I couldn't go out like that and I had chemo II scheduled for 11 a.m. So I wore the first chemo cap I made. It looked a lot like the one above but it was all blue instead of the blue and pink above. I called it my fake blue wig. I liked it so did the adored oncologist. I do like my own hair better.

The timeline is my hair started falling out noticeable on 8/24/08, was noticeably sparse and hat worthy on the 9/2/08 and I chopped of the remaining wisps just an hour ago. I couldn't stand it, there was just abut a third to a fourth of my hair left and it just got in the way. So I chopped it off. It feels good but looks weird. Tomorrow I call the hair dresser and get a buzz cut. A buzz cut with pinky scalpy patches. Boy won't I look good.

My Scalp Hurts

Isn't it interesting that a scalp hurts when your hair is falling out. I mean isn't it enough to lose your hair, does it have to hurt while you lose it?

It's been falling out for about a week now. I can't stop myself from brushing my hair or running my hands through it and seeing how much hair comes out each time. And each time way too much comes out. No bald spots yet. Just a score scalp.

Other then that life is going well, at least well for a girl who misses her hair and is depressed.

Things willget better. I dare say once the hair is gone I'll be ready to move on.

She's Alive (insert evil laugh here)

This first chemo session sucked. It sucked big time. It sucked super big time. You get the picture.

I spent most of the last 9 days feeling to sick and tired to even sit up. And much to tired to blog, read, knit or even watch tv. I was of course a lot of fun to be around. Everyone knows when you feel sick and tired you have a wonderful and pleasing personality and you are a pleasure and a joy to be around. And you are the exact opposite of crabby.

I Think She is Right

Cat transmutation:
I am sure Good Looking is right, this is all an experiment to turn me into a cat. And it seems to be working. I spend most of the time sleeping either in bed or on the sofa.

I say it is good news:
The good thing is I don't often have the interest or energy to eat. Food tastes funny, coffee tastes funny and I'm just not hungry, at last not usually. I did come home from work yesterday, after having a glass or two of milk on Saturday and a half a corn muffin, a scone and 2 glasses of milk on Sunday, so hungry that I could barely make it the kitchen before I slaughtered a tomato sandwich. Good looking that was your tomato and boy was it good.

The good thing about that is I am losing weight. I know it's not very smart right now to eat so little, but it sure feels good to get on the scale and see the amount drop daily. It sure feels good to put on the shirt I wore last week and see it loser. I think right now this is just enjoying one of the benefits of a tough situation. I'll see if it happens after the next session and see if a short term pleasure starts to turn into something closer to stupid.

Hair today:
Generally I like my hair, but there I've always wanted to tweak it. Sometimes I wanted auburn hair, sometimes I've wanted it to be long and curly. I've always wanted it to be fuller, thicker and have more body. No matter what I've always loved the fact that it has always been silky. My hubby loves to run his hands through it, so do I. It feels -- well it felt wonderful. Now it's just so so silky. It feels drier and wrong. I guess it is getting ready to leave. I'll miss it.

And I say we all take a poll on how we want it to come back. Long and blond. Short, spiky and red. Buzz cut. Braids.

Send ideas.

I see one of the chemo doctors tomorrow, lets hope he has energy ideas.

I Think She is Right

Chemo Bites

The Adored Oncologist did say I would be beat the 2nd thought the 4th days after Chemo and so far I would have to say he is right. Chemo was Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I was tired. Yesterday I was just plainly exhausted. I slept from 9:00 in the evening till 3 the next afternoon. At three I ate a bit, and napped some more. And then spent the rest of the day napping.

Today I woke up at 10:30 and have had a least the energy to sit up and play on my puter. Hope I feel more awake soon since I have to work tomorrow.

Chemo may suck, but it is better then cancer.