Maybe Menu Foods

Menu Foods admits they are responsible for causing kidney failure and death in animals who have eaten their foods. Rocky ate a kind of Iams that has been recalled. It is bad enough that he died, but the fact that he died from something so senseless is appalling.

Please Meet Cole de Luna

Cole was born January 18, 2007. He is a yellow Labradore and a very sweet, cute, pain in the butt. He spends most of his time sleeping-either on one of my sons laps or at my feet.



The last time I had a puppy I was 16 years ago. I had forgotten how much like human babies they are.



Cole hates to be out of sight of one of his family members. I wish he could wear diapers. I'm slowly working on crate training. But every time I put him in the crate he screams. I am getting used to it and the good thing is I won't be able to hear him when I am out of the house.



Camden is not pleased with us. He does not understand why we brought that intruder into the house. He sees no need for that noisy little thing. And, according to him, it is just wrong that people in the neighborhood come running to meet Cole. Poor Camden-cakes. He will get used to it.


As to retirement - I am getting into the swing of a schedule. I clean, take a walk, read and work on hobbies. I still need to learn to cook.

Pray For Me

Did chores, went grocery shopping, had fun. So far retirement is a good thing.

We will have a special guest coming tomorrow. I'm being secretive bcause it is more fun that way. I'll post info and pictures tomorrow.

Boy A is having a March Madness/Fantasy Baseball Draft sleepover tomorrow. It's aptly named because I will be the one going mad since there will be 7 teenage boys here from 3 in the afternoon till much too late the next day. Pray for me.

Starting To Wake Up

The good news is I only slept until 10:00 this morning and did not take an afternoon nap. I even had the time to do 3 million loads of laundry, knit and go out to dinner with the volleyball girls.

What I want to know is why am I doing more laundry now that I'm staying home then I did while I was at work. I swear that dirty laundry knows I'm home and multiplies exponentially.

I'm even finding that I do not miss work at all, but I do miss the people I worked with. And you all had better miss me.

Looks like retirement might involve more then just sleeping.

So Far Retirement Is

catching up on my sleep. I wake up when the boys go off to school and have a cup of coffee while I read the paper. I go back to sleep until about 11:30. I do some laundry, knit and read. After a few hours I take a nap.

I sure hope this is my only week of spending most of my time sleeping.

This is me sitting in the sun, snoozing.

First Real Day of Retirement?

Florida vacation is over.

Work (at least for pay) is done.

This felt like my first day of retirement and I spent it cleaning. And Knitting.

Finished up with "What's His Name", I've graduated. He helped me through a hard year.

Best Buy could not repair my computer and replaced it with a nice little Gateway. I love it. It's smaller then the last one and lighter and faster. Now I have to figure how to down load pictures cause I need pictures here.

I took a lot of pictures of birds in Florida. The beach I spent time on, housed a bird sanctuary. Sanctuary folks fed the birds on the beach twice a day. Lots of gulls and pelicans were hanging around the entrance to the sanctuary waiting to be feed. I walked down to see the birds and take pictures. The gulls must have thought I was going to feed them. They gathered around me while I was taking pictures and started to follow me home, squawking all the way. I started to walk faster and so did they. For a while I had visions of the movie "The Birds", I almost knew I would be pecked to death. But eventually they stopped following me.

Home Again

I spent the week visiting the folks in Florida. It started out as a duty visit, but I ended up being a pleasure trip. It has been the first time in I don't know how many years I have spent any time alone with them. It gave me a chance to get to know who they are again. I learned I really like the people they are, that I am who I am because of who they are.

Two things really hit home. The first was that the news was making a big deal of the firing of a local politician because he wanted a sex change operation. Both my folks thought the only factor that should be considered , for the firing, was whether or not he had done a good job. That is dang progressive.

The second thing that impressed me was that the odometer on their car was broken. They had taken it in to fixed because they qualified for a low insurance rate (for the Florida car) because it had low yearly mileage. They realized a broken odometer would report lower mileage but knew it was unfair. They were having it fixed to make sure they paid the correct amount.

I am impressed. they are people i not only love and value, but I also respect them.


I had a great time, the weather was gorgeous. I spent two days at the beach, a day at a local park. I walked at least a mile a day and spent a lot of time outdoors.

It was wonderful.

Even so, coming home is always the best. I missed the guys and the pets and my own life.

When People are Wonderful Leaving is Hard

I am not quite ready to accept that I won't be back. I'll visit, but that is not really going back. It's not doing the work, being part of the extended work family.

I had a series of wonderful good byes, an open house, a party and millions of warm hugs and good wishes. It's good to leave that way, the people I work with mean a lot to me, and I'm glad I mean something to them. It's hard to leave that way, because ... because they mean a lot to me, they are a big part of my life and I will miss them.

Yesterday I started to realize that my retirement was real. I started to realize how much I would miss everyone. After a while all I could do was go to bed. I was in bed and asleep by nine.

Today I'm ready to move on to the next step.

Gains and Losses

I am not so interested in the retirement countdown any more. It's too close to my last day and all I can think of is how much I am going to miss everyone. I work with incredibly wonderful people and leaving them will be a huge loss.

The other loss is we miss Rocky. This morning the three other cats were in the bathroom watching me brush my teeth. I kept wishing it had been all four of them. I miss having Rocky sleep beside me on the bed. I miss picking up his chunky body and feeling him wiggle to get free. I miss hearing that loud purr. I miss the fact that with out the Rock-a-Mundo, the herd of elephants doesn't sound loud enough.

The gains are knowing I will be a stay-at-home mom to teens, that I can knit and quilt to my heart's content, that I can explore lots of different interests and that I can find out who I want to be next.

Lost Weekend

Rocky- aka Rockamundo Kitty Cat died Saturday. Part of us did too.

I noticed Saturday morning that he was having trouble walking and was very lethargic. We took him to the vet who ran tests and let us know that there was no hope he would get better. The boys, hubby and I took turns holding him, telling him we loved him and saying good bye. After a few minutes the boys went to wait in the car. They needed someone to hold on too so hubby went to the car too. While the vet put him took care of him, I held him close whispered of our love and our saddness. It was over in minutes.

Rocky is buried in the back yard next to Jessie. His service was conducted by loving boys and loving parents. He is being missed.

The boys found Rocky and his sister Star in the woods 5 years ago. The raced through briars to catch both cats. Since we already had two cats, hubby and I were going to take them both to the Animal Shelter. We never got them into the cat carrier, thanks to the pleading and trickery of two small boys the cats would become loved members of the family.

Rocky had a loud purr and a quiet disposition. He was timid and it took him a while to trust us. But once he did he proved to be a lover. He loved to be petted and sleep near us.

He is missed.

I'll post a picture of him when I can get my laptop working.

Five More Days to Work

I have 5 more days to go to work. In five days I will retire. Five days. Five. Days. Five.

5

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was a perfect day.

First---I realized I have made the transition– at least in my mind- to really being ready to move on, to take the next life step—retirement. All major life changes are a multi step process and the most important --- mindset--- seems to be the hardest. While I have been looking forward to retirement for close to a year, part of me has been clinging to what I will miss. I’ll miss the job; at its best it is interesting, challenging and demanding and it is often at its best. I’ll miss the people; the people I work with are wonderful. They are smart, funny, committed and hard working. They are my work family. I’ll miss knowing I make a difference. I work for a large Federal Agency. The services we provide make a difference in people’s lives and I help provide those services. I realized today that I am looking forward to what I can do in the future much more then I am thinking about missing this life. I’m really ready to move on.

Second-the boys just got their Christmas presents-new laptops. These laptops can be voice activated. The boys can dictate papers or tell the computers what functions to bring up. Boy B was reading a prepared script to “train” his computer to recognize his voice. I sat and listened to him and felt absolutely overwhelmed with joy. I was content; I was living the life I wanted to live. I am lucky to have a husband who loves me and caters to me and to have two boys who bring me joy.

Third—I have good friends, people I enjoy spending time with.

Yesterday was a perfect day. I day I felt connected to all the people around me, I day I felt content with life and what it holds for me. It was a perfect day.

Sister and Brother

These two love to snuggle. They tolerate the other two cats but are not very friendly with them. Sandy (the ginger cat) terrorizes the dog. Camden steers a wide berth around Sandy at all times. It's actually funny, Camden is manytimes Sandy's size-but Sandy is the boss.

Blue Lady

I made it official. I signed all the papers. I will retire effective March 3, 2007, just a little over 2 weeks from today. I’m excited. I’m looking forward to being able to do what I want to do. I’m even willing to be the one who has to run the errands. I’m ready for the changes. What I didn’t expect is to feel a little blue about it all.

When I think about it, feeling a little blue makes sense. This place has been my home away from home for nearly 32 years. And I’m leaving. Maybe retiring is its like breaking up with someone you still love but just can’t live with any longer. You know you can’t stay any longer, but it still hurts to leave.

I will miss being a part of this life.

Dyeing with Kool Aid

This was early in the "waiting to retire" process. I am now down to three candles and 12 angels. I added angels and Santas at Christmas and decided it liked them so much I would leave all 16 angles. I could take one down each night during the last 4 weeks. Or really I could take one down for each Monday thru Thursday and a candle on Friday. Tomorrow I'll post
Friday's picture-the one before I took the candle down.

Three weeks to go. Just three weeks.

This was a lazy weekend. I caught up with sleeping and laundry. Or at least I am mostly done washing the laundry, but I haven't even started to put any of it away. I hate the putting away part.

I did have some fun. Hubby and I went out to dinner with out the boys Friday. I used a gift certificate the Lunch Bunch gave me as a retirement present. It was really nice of all of them. They are a good group, three women and a man. We have been friends for years. Thanks to them we had a wonderful dinner sans boys.

I also stopped at Safeway and bought some unsweetened kool aid and dyed some wool yarn. I'll have to get a picture of it too. It is in shades of bright pink with a little purple. It was fun to do and the yarn smells like kool aid.

Requieum for a Mouse

Schools were closed due to snow. Boy A and Boy B were staying home alone. Hubby and I left, closing the door on the teenage mutterings of Boy A, who was deeply disappointed that we would not drive the 20 miles from work to home, during lunch time, to drive him to his friend’s house, the one who lives the 30 miles further out.

Shortly after getting to work I received an imperious call from Boy A demanding I come home immediately. The problem, they found a dead mouse on the floor (thanks, cats). Boy A could not stand to be in the house with a dead mouse and could not bear to touch it in any way, shape or form. I suggested paper towels or a broom and dust pan, but Boy A was adamant. He would not touch it.

Boy B came to the rescue. Protected with paper towels and a dust pan, he carried the mouse out back. Boy A followed to complete the funeral procession. The mouse was laid to rest among the trees in the back yard. A solemn ceremony of song and eulogy commemorated his passing. Boy B is the man.

Dela's Cold Day Parking Creed

It is bitter cold today and as for as I can see the only purpose if it is to remind me how much I don’t like cold weather. When it is this cold I want to park as close as possible to the building. Since I never arrive at 6:00 in the morning I don’t get a close parking spot. If the weather is nice I don’t mind the walk. At least I can tell myself I am getting some exercise. But when the weather is this cold I want to park in the lobby. Unfortunately the security staff won’t let me.

On cold days I resort to cruising by the close parking spaces and saying a little prayer that I’ll see someone pulling out of one of them. There are some folks who may get in 6ish even if they need to leave 7:30ish or 8:ish. I almost got one this morning. I could have if I had been just a tad more aggressive and run that woman over. After all it was my space. I saw it and I wanted it. That statement reminds me of the Toddler’s creed that used to hang on our refrigerator when the boys were little. The gist of it was if a toddler wanted something it belonged to him, even if he had just thrown it out 5 seconds before, or he had just said he didn’t want it. When it comes to close parking spaces and cold weather I adhere to Dela’s version of the toddler creed. Close parking belongs to me. The only problem is I can’t get anyone here to go along with that. “The Woman” who took my space should have known it was mine. She should have moved aside and let me have it. She is a pig cake, a bean brained pig cake.

Oh well in 3 weeks and 4 days I won’t have to worry about parking, at least not here.

New Year's Resolution Update II

No wine, no booze for over a month. That right. Over a month and no wine. Dinners out and no wine. Wine in the fridge and none in me. I am right pleased with myself. The real benefit is I am not feeling depressed. Some quid pro quo going on.

The guys are watching the Super Bowl. I'm updating. I am keeping an eye on the ads, but so far while a few are cute, none are much good.

I haven't bought yarn recently. I would have this weekend, but I left my wallet at work. I sure didn't feel like spending money on yarn if I'm about to lose all the money that was sitting in my wallet. I don't really need yarn. I still have enough to finish the sweater I am about a quarter way through, enough for a hoodie, a pair of socks and several scarfs and bags.

I Absolutely Hate Going to the Doctor

I went today for a blood pressure check. It was too high so I need to increase my medication and go back in two weeks. No wonder the blood pressure was high-I hate going to the doctor.

I have been telling myself that I can wait until I retire to start exercising again, but maybe this is a good indication that I should start tonight--well tomorrow.

I will walk tomorrow. No excuses.

Boy B says if I don't walk tomorrow I will owe him $182. I sure can't afford that so I better walk. I'll post the results here along with pictures of my knit bags pre-felting.

What Can I Say. I Lead a Dull Life.

My back yard at sunset.

Nothing going on in my life except counting the days down to retirement. Four weeks and two days. The really good news is one of those days is a holiday. That means I only have to go to work for 21 days. Just 21 more days at the hole of heck. The end is in sight and I am pretty happy about it.

I will miss my coworkers. They are nice folks.

This is to make me think of warmer times

It Is Too Dang Cold

I tried to set up the valet parking for myself. I had tried last year and for some silly reason none of my co-workers volunteered. This year I tried to make it easy for each of them. I set up a schedule and assigned them each a day. Pigs that they are, each and every one of them declined the opportunity. How very cruel of them. I don't get to work early after all. Now I have to walk in the bitter cold from my car to the building. Life is rough.

Good Looking is going to make the good bye cards for me to give to these "we will not provide valet service" folks. I am now thinking that the cards are too good for the likes of them. I may just allow them to have a glimpse of the card they could have had if they had been nicer? What do you think?

Five Weeks and a Day

When I made up my mind to retire I had a 40 week wait until my retirement date, the same length of time for a pregnancy. Waiting for retirement and waiting to give birth have a lot of similarities. For both of them time has a strange Sci Fi quality. It both barely moves and moves with the speed of light. Many times this wait to be retied, just like the wait to see that baby seems to be never ending and then all at once the due date is just around the corner. The big difference is, even with a lot less preparation I feel a lot more prepared for retirement then I did to be a first time mom.

Hopefully I will enjoy retirement as much as I enjoy being a mom.

Because I have 5 weeks and a day. Just 5 weeks and a day. Just 5 weeks and a day. I am excited. I am making plans -- in fact I'm making a list and checking it a lot more then twice. And I have no interest in worrying about who is naughty or nice.

Axe Murder

Some people just don't get the axe murder theory of life. The rules are simple and if you abide by them you will be safe in most instances. After all everyone knows the axe murder is waiting to get any of us but only at certain times.

Rule one--if hubby is out of town, you can't backtrack unless you have a good reason. For example, you can't leave the house after dark unless it is absolutely necessary. If you need to take the kids to a party, you are safe. But if you go out to get the book you left in the car the axe murder might be waiting. And, you can't backtrack and go down stairs once you have gone up for the night. Now you can make numerous trips up and down during the evening, even late into the night; but once you know in you go up for the night you have to stay until dawn at least. The Axe murder moves into the house as soon as you go up - and stays till dawn, but he never goes upstairs.

Rule two--eating out. The whole family is safe from the axe murder so long as the mom does not sit with her back to a main aisle.

Rule three-holes in the walls and dark corners. Of course one should never linger long in a place with holes in the walls or ceilings or dark corners because the axe murder could easily be waiting.

It's obvious I am 55 and alive and well, so these rules have saved me from the axe murder all these years.

I was out Saturday with Sweetie and Good Looking. Sweetie and I talked about my theory of the axe murder and she thought I was goofy. Silly Sweetie!

Getting Ready To Say Good Bye

I have 6 more weeks (and half a day) left to work. This morning I’m thinking of all the friends I’ll miss, the family I am leaving. While I am ready to go, leaving my co-workers makes me sad. I want them all to know what they have meant to me over the years, how much they have added to my life. I plan on writing them each a short note, telling them how important they have been to my life. I want to, I need to … but somehow I don’t know how to start.

First I think I’ll start with Ke, I’ve known her the longest and she is my husband’s ethical twin. But then I tell myself-I can’t start with her. I have too much to tell her. There is too much to say, but I can’t say it. I can’t tell her how much she has meant to me over the years, it’ll sound mushy and neither of us are the mushy type. It will be easier to start with someone else and work up to Ke.

So I think I’ll start with La-she’s the newest. But she has only been here for a few days and I don’t know her well enough to say anything personal. I have to have more time to get to know her.

I could write one to Dy, but we are sisters in so many ways, each one of 5 siblings, each cursed with a big mouth and each the mother of two. How do I write a note saying thanks for sharing this time, when the time isn’t over yet?

Or Ti-Ti is a younger, cuter, more energetic version of me. We have similar parenting styles; we are both goofy and have a good sized touch of the free spirit. How do I put in words all she has added to my life? She makes me laugh. She pushes me to parent more and help the boys grow up and learn to cook and do their own laundry. She has a big heart.

Or My, My is the me I would like to be. She is kind, loving and generous. She used to be the one to organize all that needs to be organized, though now a few of the newer co-workers have started to share that responsibility. She always has an open ear and a willing heart. At the same time she is strong and self assured. She may not do it often, but when appropriate she can and does put a transgressor loving in their place.

Pt – Writing his note is the one that will be the hardest because it is the one that matters the most to me. And I don’t know where to start.

Rh-she loves my boys almost as much as I do. And I love her son in the same way. I always find myself smiling when I think of Ruth. She is smart, creative, generous and loving.

De-she lent me her daughter-to watch my boys when they were young. De is a person who believes in commitment and honor. She is a strong woman and a caring woman.

In fact I think the reason the people I work with are so important to me is they are all loving, caring people. They all reach out and help. I will miss them all very much.

New Year's Resolution Update

I broke the “knit from the stash” resolution. Three times. It started out innocently; I went to a store to buy some blue Lamb’s Bride Bulky to finish the rainbow bag I am making. They didn’t have any bulky, but they had worsted in a blue color. Even though I don’t really like the blue they had I bought it and some sock yarn-after all sock yarn is always allowed. That add to the stash purchase one. Add to the stash purchase three also started out innocently, since I didn’t like that blue, I decided to see if another local store had a better blue. They didn’t but they had these incredibly beautiful, hand painted skeins-expensive hanks-very expensive hand painted hanks. So I had to buy two. And a fun scarf yarn and two eyelash yarns that were on sale. All in all it added up to add to the stash purchase number two. All I can say to explain add to the stash purchase number three is this addiction is a disease. I had yarn on the mind and I realized that the yarn I bought for the hoodie came in two huge hanks that needed to be winded into balls. It would take forever using the hang on the chair method and I would be busy when I retired. Much to busy for that. So I ordered a knitting swift (I blame Wendy of Wendy Knits) and a ball winder and some cotton yarn. And I still want some Lamb’s Pride Bulky, since I am out of money I need to wait.

I have kept the no booze resolution, even through a party we hosted, two dinners out, and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I do miss it a little.

Boy A is "The Man"

Boy A made a wonderful, delicious dinner last night. Spaghetti and meatballs, Cesar salad and peppermint ice cream with hot fudge sauce. He planned the menu, looked up the recipes, guided the shopping trip and made most of the meal. Granted he would not put his hands in the meat mixture to form the meatballs and he asked for some help here or there, but he did a great job, made a fantastic dinner and I am very, very impressed. He gets a gold star.

This age is so interesting, he veers between being an angel and a devil, sometimes the shift is just minutes apart.

I was catching up on my blogs last night and saw that Vast Verandah dissed my loved Crocs. She posted a picture of a pair of manly orange Crocs walking (on some man’s feet) around the National Zoo, saying no woman should allow a man to leave his house dressed in Crocs. The good news is even though Hubby loves his orange Crocs he would not leave the house with them one. He too things they are way too ugly to be worn in public. I love my Crocs! Both pairs. I have the blue “professional” Crocs and the purple everyday ones. I continually have to talk myself out of buying a third and fourth pair, I mean they have pink, lime green, bright yellow. How is a girl to limit herself to just blue and purple? And I wear them frequently. They make a statement. Of course it is a different statement to everyone who sees them, but to me they say I am me. I am free to dress, think and feel in a way that makes me happy. And wearing Crocs makes me happy.

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

But things will get better.

I Resolve

I’ve made and flubbed New Year’s resolutions for way too many years. John Kelley in his column in the Washington Post had a novel idea. Instead of making resolutions for himself and then failing miserable within a few days, he decided to make resolutions for people around him, his wife, his kids, fellow commuters, co-workers. I really liked the idea. I started with making resolutions for hubby and the boys and was moving on to the pets, but I gave up. Hubby and the boys made it very clear that if I made resolutions for them they would make them for me. I gave up on my list for them because I couldn’t make them see how very unfair that was. They kept saying things like what is good for the gander is good for the goose and turnabout is fair play. I disagreed strongly, but … it looks like I lost.

1) I did make three resolutions for 2007. I am giving up booze for a year. It is just empty calories and all I would have to say it has lost its thrill.

2) I will eat dessert once a month, only once a month. The reasons for no booze apply here too-empty calories and the thrill is gone. Well, the thrill isn’t really worth the price.

3) This one is retirement related and just plain boring so I will save you and not write it down.

I guess I really made four resolutions. Number 4 is modified from Wendy Knits. She is knitting from her stash for the next nine months. I’m knitting my projects until I am completely finished, including blocking, putting together and wearing at least half of the following list:
finish Kathy’s Christmas present 75% complete
finish MIL’s Christmas present – scarf made from Moda Dream yarn 75% complete
finish Al’s Christmas present – scarf made from Lion’s band suede 75% complete
finish my lavender sweater - Paton’s Grace and 30% complete
knit lap blanket – blues and greens from the stash and only barely started.

Start and finish the following
Quivet scarf
Oceania Hoodie
Sari Silk Vest
Mason Dixon felted rectangle
Felted bags from
Noro
Lamb’s Pride Bulky

Quilting projects that need to be finished
kimono silk which just needs to be quilted
Boy A’s which needs lots of finishing on the top before it will even be ready to be quilted

Of course according to Wendy, socks are not included in the knit from this resolution. That is good, because I plan on taking a class to learn how to make socks in March and will need to really practice

I think I have plenty of projects I need to finish before I spend money on another one. So my goal is to complete at least half of the above list before I add any new projects. Thank goodness I am retiring- it’s the only way I’ll have time to get any of this done.

My gripe is my laptop is on the fritz again. I miss it, though I think the boys miss it even more.

Sorry to the Fords

President Ford died last night and instead of feeling sad for his family I am just glad it happened before I retired. If it happened after March 2nd, I would not have an additional day off from work. Even so I think he was a better President then he is given credit for--and this comes from a liberal Democrat, albeit one that pays dang little attention to politics. I think he was right to pardon Nixon. But that was a long time ago.

The boys are still with the in laws and I have to say the house is a lot cleaner with them gone then it is when they are here. I enjoy that - but I miss them. They will be home tomorrow and I am ready.

Thank God for Grandparents

It is Christmas break for the Howard County schools. The schools will be closed for a week and a day. Both Hubby and I are trying to save leave so we don't want to stay home all week, yet we think the boys are, even at 13 and 15, too young to stay home by them selves for the entire winter break. Hubby’s parents have yet again come to the rescue. They picked the boys up this morning and will take them to a not too far away resort for the next two nights. We get the boys back Thursday. The boys will be loved and spoiled rotten. The hotel has two things that they dearly love an indoor pool and never ending supply of hot chocolate. I should have said four things they dearly love, the above two and a set of grandparents who act as though the world revolves around them.

The only problem is I miss the boys. I like the idea of a break from the boys a lot more then I really like the break from the boys. They have only been gone for a few hours and I want them back. Of course I realize once they were back I would be ready for a break all over again.

Mostly I think how lucky I am to have in-laws and parents who love us, let us be us and adore our children. I am blessed that they are grandparents who pass down a connection, a family history with every day interactions. I am blessed because they want to be a part of our lives and make sacrifices to be a part of our lives.

Both sets of grandparents love their grandchildren whole heartedly. But it is easy to see that they are different people and show the love differently. Hubby’s parents love the boys in a way, that when I was a new parent I found overwhelming, but as a more experienced mom I value. Their love is child centered. They treat the boys as if they are little Gods. In other words they shower them with time, attention and love. When the boys visit, that visit centers around what they want to do, what their interests are. It is not really spoiling. His parents use common sense, they don’t shower money and gifts on them, but they do shower time and attention on them. I think every child deserves grandparents like that. Thank you Mom-mom and Pop-pop. We love you.

I Know I Can, I Know I Can

I hate being dependent on medication. And I hate doing the things that I could do to not be dependent on medication.

Since I forgot to take my pills for two days I was depressed, crabby, dizzy and my blood pressure was probably too high. It's hard, in the rush of the morning, to remember to take those stupid pills--but if I don't I feel the impact. I tell myself that if I would just take a long walk, or listen to Dr. Mama and run, I could be - hopefully medication free in no time. I tell my self that exercise will be my retirement priority. I need to get the little engine that could motif going--I know I can, I know I can...

Mean Mom

I am in the dog house with boy B. Yesterday he brought his interim grades home. He had a had A's and B's and a couple C's. What was frustrating was the average grade for the tests and the class work was usually a solid A or a B, but homework was usually a D or E. He could have had all A's and B's if he would just do his homework. So mean mom has come out. He has to sit in the dining room for an hour a night -- doing home work. He is very cross with me. But I love him and I like being mean mom.

Crocs and Santa Socks

Good Looking took a this picture yesterday. She hosted a wonderful lunch and afternoon of festivities for Sweetie and me. We had fun. I especially enjoyed showing off my fashonista side.

Flower Power

Nice day today. Weather in Maryland is gorgeous and I only have 11 weeks left until I retire. It is hard to wait that long.

pontas para minhas cabras pequenas maravilhosas do caranguejo

1. If you are wearing cherry red shoes you are dressed appropriately for the holidays – no matter what.
2. Being on the 50-days-or-less to get out of bed and drive to work is a good place to be.
   There is no need to do research- the pile in the car and drive west looking for a place cut down (and pay for) a Christmas tree still works.
3. Cutting down your own Christmas tree is always worth it and a lot easier with two teenage boys in the family.
4. If you always buy, yet rarely send Christmas cards, you have plenty around the house the year you finally get your act together early enough to send them.
5. Forget this organization stuff that tells you to throw out all the stuff you don’t really need. A couple months after you either throw out or put away that over-the-front door wreath holder that was cluttering up the laundry room, you will need it.
6. The Internet was invented for people who hate crowds and hate shopping.
7. If you are a husband, it is a very bad idea to ask your wonderful wife to help pay for the wonderful Christmas gift you want to give her.

Sandy and Kattie

Kattie is our oldest cat. She was a year old when Sandy joined us. The two are very loving and often cuddle together. Sadly neither one of them wants to have much to do with the other two cats.

Excitement!

Our excitement this weekend revolved around a party, cutting down the tree and applying for passports for the boys. We still have the excitement of decorating the tree still ahead.

The party was a tree trimming party that is held by the same couple each year, a gathering of the old volley ball team. This year it really hit home that old is the operative word. One of our team mates died this year. The husband host is retireing at the end of the year, another player retired a year ago and I'm retireing in 11.6 weeks. Naturally much of the conversation was about getting older, retirement and aches and pains. The sad thing is that those conversations are enjoyable now. I am getting old.

Boy A is going to Europe the end of March and needs a passport. Hubby and I figured Boy B might as well get a passport at the same time. While I am a firm believer in procrastinating, I am not a firm believer in paying for a trip that can’t be taken because I procrastinated too long. So hubby and I rose at the crack of 9:30 Saturday, read the paper in bed and finally pushed the boys out of bed aournd 10:30. We then had the pleasure of listening to them whine about the horrors of having to do things other then play video games. We listend to whineing all the way until we walked into the passport office at a near by post office. We also had to listen to the horrors of walking past the homeless man who was begging in front of the post office, the pain of haing to get back in the car and drive to a near by CVS to get pictures because the post office camera was broken. Luckily that side trip didn't take long, neither did the rest of the passport application process. Both Boy A and Boy B should have their own passport in 6 weeks or so.

After the passport whine fest we went out looking for a tree to cut down. Our method is to pile into the car and head west and hope we can find a sign. This year we drove North on one promising road saw no sign, turned around and drove south and stil saw nothing. Next we took a cross road that took us a bit further west and lucked into a little mom and pop operation. We ended up with a beautiful tree and a beautiful wreath for $50.00. Boy A cut it down while hubby held it. Then they tied it to the top of the car while Boy B and I went looking for hot drinks. The day was cold enough to let you know it was winter but warm enough so that tree hunting and gathering was a lot of fun. We came home, put the tree up and are still waiting to decorate it. I don't really have the Christmas spirt yet.

Sunday was the boys piano recitial. Normally I hate them because they go on forever. I like listening to all the kids, but it seems to go on and on. This one was over in less then an hour. Life was good.

Felting Part II and Boys vs. Girls

Crafts:
The bowls have been felted and shaved and I’m feeling better about them. Shaving makes a world of difference. I would have to say good grooming matters as much in crafts as it does in person.

I have a bunch of things to felt tonight. I crocheted a bag for my work Santa gift and I have another bowl and a bunch of small baskets. I am going to use the baskets and a couple bowls for the book club ladies. I can fill them with nice little treats and be good to go. I did have a lot of fun making them. I even had fun shaving them. But I sure don’t think they will come in all that useful.

Tonight I’ll post the picture of the felted bowls, and take and post pictures of all the stuff waiting to be felted. Then I’ll work on felting a ton of stuff. I do find that it takes a while to felt Lopi. Last time I put it through 3 wash cycle and added boiling water to the last 2 cycles. But it could be that adding a cup or two of boiling water has very little impact. Tonight I’ll try adding a kettleful. I also read about someone using tennis balls to help with the process. I think I will try that too. The boys will never know I took their balls.

Next on my knit list is the Mason-Dixon felted boxes. And of course I should get back to the blanket and my sweater I put on hold when I hit the felting craze. Every knit crazy girl needs to have at least three projects going at once. Right?

One of my most loved bloggers recently posted about the line she straddles with her almost grown daughters-finding the right balance between the girls loved, protected daughters and being loved young women allowed to find their own way. Much of her post was about communication and how communication has changed over the years. She writes about how some of the communication is hurtful because she is struggling to allow her daughters to grow up and they are struggling to grow up. Her post made me ache. In my heart I don’t see the boys maintaining (or for that matter ever having) the same level of communication with me that a daughter would. I am happy that when they really need my support they come to me and tell me what is bothering them, but they don’t talk that much about their feelings, or what is going on at school. They are boys. I love them. They give me joy. But I am afraid that has they grow up and move on. I think I would have a bigger part of their day to day lives if they were girls. But all in all you get what you get and I sure love what I have.

That Felting Feeling

My first 2 felting projects. The very first was the bag, on the left I love it. It was quick and easy and turned out nicely. It holds knitting of course since that is my latest craze. The aqua knitting in the bag is going to be a blanket. I picked up the idea from my new favorite book - Mason Dixon Knitting. It will be a variaton of the log cabin pattern in varying shades of blue and green. The problem is I have gone crazy on felting so over the weekend so I don't know when I'll get back to it.

The bowls to the right were the next set. I've felted them already, but I need to shave them before I take their pictures. I am a little disappointed in the way they turned out. I wanted them to be stiffer. Oh well, next time I'll try the garter stitch and see if that stiffens them up.

Every Cloud has a Silver Lining

• Cloud--Everyone one else in the house is messily sick and you are the only one who can clean up and cater to them.
  Lining -- The house is quiet.
  
• Cloud--You catch their very nasty bug and have only enough energy to lie flat.
  Lining--You can fit into those pants you haven’t been able to wear in a while
  
• Cloud--You recover and go back to work.
  Lining--The boys tell you they miss you and can’t wait till you retire and are home when they get home
  
• Cloud--It’s one in the morning and you can’t sleep.
  Lining--One of the episodes that you missed of Grey’s Anatomy is on TV
  
• Cloud--It’s two in the morning and you are wide awake.
  Lining--HGTV has 2 episodes of House Hunters that you haven’t seen
  
• Cloud--It’s four in the morning, you’ve been back in bed for an hour and you are still wide awake.
  Lining--There are only infomercials on TV at this hour and they are so boring they put you to sleep.

It Feels Good to Feel Good

I am mostly over the bug from heck and it feels good to feel good.

The only thing this picture has to do with the rest of the post is that I took it in Aruba and that was a wonderful trip and on it I felt really good.

I am also in a felting craze. I only have two colors of feltable yarn, a lovely tweedy rusty red and a pale beige. They are nice but don't have a lot of zest. So I ordered some from a discount place online. They sent a letter saying there would be a delay before they could send the yarn I ordered. Don't they know I can't wait that long.

My first project was a bag that turned out really nicely. If I would get off my butt and take a picture I could post it!! Now I'm working on coasters. If they turn out nicely I can give sets of 4 to each of the bookclub ladies. But I need my pretty yarns. Discount company please send them.

The Joy of Getting

The joy of giving continued. First I was given a bed filled with germs. Boy A had climbed in bed with hubby early Saturday morning, and he breathed on my pillow, and spread germs all over my side of the bed. Of course hubby's side of the bed was filled with the same kind of germs. I wasn’t going near that bed until both guys were better and I could change the sheets. Which leads me to the second gift, the joy of sleeping on the sofa for two nights. It was the first time since before we were married and were sleeping under the same roof that we didn’t sleep in the same bed. I enjoyed it. No one to steal the covers, no one to wake me up with snoring and no extra germs. I think this means I’ve reached a new stage in my marriage. And I think it is a good stage. Last but not least they also gave the bug to me. It was a nasty bug and it earned me 2.5 days off of work. Of course most of the time was off work and either sleeping or feeling so miserable I wished I was sleeping.
I did knit a lot while the guys were sick. In fact I made my first felted bag. I am pretty pleased with it. If I do another one I do something different for the handle. I did it with two strands of yarn -two different colors. I would have liked it better if I had kept the colors separate, either done it in blocks or stripes. Oh well next time.
I have fallen in love with Mason Dixon Knitting. It has lots of ideas for things other then sweaters. While I am working on a sweater, I want to do other things. So I’m working on blanket too. I am just too cool for words.

House of the Sick

Each of the guys is sick. They woke up at various times in the night to throw up. Would fall back asleep and then wake up again a few hours later. At least Hubby made it to the bathroom. Unfortunately neither boy did. That means I've been cleaning rugs, bedding and just about everything else in the house.

The bad thing is I don't like being around sick people, even if they are the people I love more then anything else in the world. It wasn't so bad when they were little and helpless. Now they may be helpless but they are big and I don't want them breathing on me, or touching me. I think I'll sleep in the spare room tonight.

Thanksgiving

I had a really nice Thanksgiving with hubby's family. Hubby's niece and her husband did all most all of the work. We just showed up with pie and good wishes. Their house was beautiful, the food was fantastic and the company was wonderful and I spent some of the day thinking how much easier family gatherings are with his family then they are with mine. I don't carry all the baggage into his family gatherings that I do with my own.

I have been reading tons of adoption blogs recently. The first one I found and the one I have always loved is the Naked Ovary, the blog of an infertile woman who very recently adopted a baby from China. I like her. I like her because she is living a part of a life I always wanted to live-adopting a baby from China. I like her because she is honest and real and secure enough to show her strengths and weakness. I like her because she loves being a Mom. I like her because she thinks that being a parent makes us one of the lucky ones. I like her because I feel connected to much of what she writes about. I like her because reading her makes me feel a bit, just a tiny bit, as if I adopted a baby girl from China.

I am thankful for many things in my life and one of them is people I only know through reading about their lives on the Internet.

What Was I Thinking

I'm home alone, hubby and the boys are out of town and won't be home till very late. I decided to watch a scary movie. What in the good lord's name was I thinking. Scary movies scare me and make me keep a watch out for the axe murder. Once the music started getting weird, I realized I was going to be up all night listening for the axe murder if I watched any more. I turned it off.

What the heck, they are gone, I'm going to have fun. I don't have to listen to any fussing.

Tips An On Again and Off Again Weekly Series

Sometimes Weekly Tips

• The term "scum sucking crow dog" has a nice ring to it. But it will never replace "pig" as a term of endearment.
• This parking lot is huge and filled with many cars. Brightly colored spray paint can be used to mark a trail to your car. (thanks Good Looking for this tip)
• Fool the guards by having the paint end at car near yours.
• I like to use spray paint that matches my outfit (using the term "outfit" to describe what I typically wear, makes me giggle.)
• If you have a car with no trunk hide the cans of spray paint in a box.
• Some dogs are bed hogs (so are some men).
• Professional Crocs (shoes) come with fewer holes.
• The term professional Crocs, makes me laugh.
• I love crocs especially because they make me laugh.
• Co-workers who promise to provide Valet parking are to be cherished. Even if you know you that you will never actually ask, becuase if you did, they would know you are truly insane.

My Camera won't recharge so I have to choose from old pictures. This is Boy A and Boy B at Ocean City about a year ago. It was a beautiful day. And we were staying in a Condo with a small parking lot so I could easily find my car. That statement is not apropos of the fact that I always have a hard time finding my car at work. I work at the headquarters of a huge company/agency. Zillions of people work here and most of them, including me, drive themselves to work. Which means I park in a huge parking lot and by the time I leave in the afternoon I can never remember where I parked. I am getting tired of wandering around and looking for my car every day. I wonder if I could glue a telephone post on the top of the car, at least then it would be easy to find.

Boy B is working on driving me crazy this week. He "forgot" to do his English homework all last week, even after his teacher talked to him several times. Oh well, he promises to do better now.

Dog and Sweater

Camden is one sweet but lazy dog. He also hates to get his feet wet. And the way he lets us know he wants to go out is to come and look at us. That made it hard at night, I couldn't tell when he was looking at me when I was sound asleep. Since I wouldn't get up and let him out he would leave me a present on the living room rug.

The rug is now gone, which is a pain, because I loved that rug.

Camden has gotten better. I've learned not to let him up if all he has done is pee, I make him go back down the stairs and try again. The thing that surprises me, is he will go back down easily and poop once I tell him to go back down again, but I always have to tell him to go back down. The draw back to that method is that I have to stand on the back deck and watch.

The making him go down for a second time and closing him in the boys room at night has worked. He only poops outside now. In fact he woke up the boys one day last week, whining to be let out. Way to go Camden, you can teach an old mom new tricks.

I am about a third of the way through knitting my second sweater. I screwed the first one up so much that I hid it away. I had finished all the pieces, but refused to put them together. This one is cute, at least in the book. But in real life, if looks kind of ragged. Some people can do such beautiful work, and mine never is. I am not a detail oriented girl. I can do and redo and re-redo and it still looks home made. Sometimes I don't care and sometimes I do. This sweater is one that I do.

I Hate Blogger

I just lost my whole entire post. So what if ist was insipid. It took me a while to write it up.

Oh well.

I bought those Heelies a while ago and I am trying to learn how to skate with them. It is hard. I borrowed my fathers walker, but that only has wheels on the front and not on the back. I need to lean on something that moves easily. I can use the wheeled stool, but I have to bend way over to do that. Oh well maybe a new idea will come to me.

Not Everyone Loves Me

Sandy Al-O-Purr - He is not dead.


One of the things that cancer taught me was that I have the right to choose not to do things I don't want to do, even at the doctor's office. And I exercise that right often. I choose to do or to not do, what makes me comfortable, whether or not it is convenient for the medical personnel. If they can make me understand the need to do what they ask I will do it, but if it just common practice I often choose not to. Yesterday I upset the tech at the doctor's office because I would not get on the scale. She told me the reason and I still declined to do as she wished. She made it clear that she thought I was being silly and I made it clear I still would not do it. She was very clearly irked with me and that upset me. I want everyone to like me. Why can't I accept that when I go against the tide not everyone will like me? And that is okay. Except for the fact that she is a pig.

The new blood pressure medicines is working well, I am not dizzy. The doctor and I discussed increasing the antidepressant, and I am still thinking about, because I may start exercising some time soon, but will probably choose to increase the meds when I see him next. I still have a love hate relationship with my doctors.

SOWISA

I don’t really hate doctors, but I sure hate going to the doctor. The way I look at it my health issues are my fault, if I would just eat healthy and exercise I would not have high blood pressure and I would not feel depressed. If I took care of myself I would not have to see the Stupid, Vicious, No-Good (SVN) doctor. And no, none of my doctors are stupid, vicious or no-good, but it makes me feel better to label them that way. So going to the SVN doctor reminds me of some of my many failings and I get crabby. Why can’t hubby go for me? Why can’t I just do the things I should do and be in perfect health? Why can’t my hair be long, blond and curly?

Oh well, Stephen King’s latest book has an acronym that I love SOWISA –Strap it on when it seems appropriate. So SOWISA girl, SOWISA.

Retirement, More then just a Nap

Sandy and Cattie love snuggling together. They are our two oldest cats and they are the ones who spend time snuggling. All the other animals stay seperate. Kind of like Congress.


I stayed home today. I was tired and headachy. Probably stayed up to late and too concerned about the election. I was surprised at how it went and happy. And with Rumsfeld gone, it looks like Bush got the message too. It was a nice day. I did chores and shopping and took a nap. Tonight I had to take Boy A to the organizer.





It was kind of a taste of what is to come. Though I will have to admit, that I would be pretty bored if all I did was chores and naps. I'm planning on helping teach reading at the local elementary school and working on quilts, boxes and knitting.





In fact I did two quickie boxes for charity auction at work. The had to be fast, since I didn't think about doing them till about 8:00 the night before. One turned out beautifully, I had a day by day calendar of scrapbooking stuff. It's made up of rectangles that can be cut for designs, or used to frame picture. One of them was just the right size for the box top and was dreamy looking and said "Once upon a time". I decoupaged it on the top of the box. Loved it.


The second, I used my new stamps (Peace, Love and Hope) and card stock paper. I think the modgepodge wicked into the prints a bit too much and it ended looking home made. I think I also need to try harder to get the corners square, the art centered, etc.





That's enough for now.

Vote

Hubby and I voted after work. It will be a long slog to know who wins, and as Democrats we may once again be sorely disappointed. A couple can hope.

Mostly Marriage -- And some Horror

Once again I have flipped to feeling pretty dang good even though I was miserable all weekend. This was the power of the wonderful talk cure. So P-J, life is good even though life was shit yesterday. And I still adore you P-J.

The problem is I felt so miserable all weekend so I did no chores and now the house is a disaster area. I left early today, since Boy B was home alone, and have done dishes, two loads of laundry, the cat litter box, put away clothes, picked up the bed room and the family room. The house still has a way to go, but I would not be horrified if someone came in.

Speaking of horror, I finished reading Stephen King's new book Lisey's Story. I am not normally a fan of his, too much horror is too much horror. But this was more a story about the abiding power of love then it was a horror story. I really enjoyed it. It makes me wonder how much of it is about him and his wife and how much is made up. The fact that they have been married for so long, makes me think that they have a good strong marriage. And this book is about a couple that have a good strong marriage.

My brother and his sweetie got married Sunday. They have lived together for 15 years or so. I think he was reluctant. She is a very special person, she brings out the best in home. I think this is something she has wanted very much and I am glad for her.

I really like being married. Hubby can drive me crazy, but he is my safety zone, he is the person I turn to when life is hard. Thank you God for giving me Hubby.

Speaking of thanking God, we found a tutor for Boy A. She is a young SAHM with two little girls, one 3 and one 6. She tutors in her home, in a room upstairs. Parent's can stay while their child is up with her, but she actively discourages it. She has a hubby home and 3 little girls, one 3 and one 6 and no doubt the family likes if better when they have don't have a stranger sitting there. but this was the first time I had ever met her and dang if I was going to leave Boy A there alone the first time. For all I knew she was an axe murder. Luckily the session went well, both Boy A and I liked her. Her girls were adorable and next week I'll just drop him off and pick him up at the end of the hour.

Getting There

I had a very good talk with "What's His Name: today. Talked about being able to set boundaries, accepting that I can't be everything for everyone, that not everyone has to like me and that it is okay to be assertive. Things fell into place and I am feeling better.


Met a friend for dinner tonight. Had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time talking. One would think I was talked out, but I slept all weekend so I have a weekend of talking stored up. I'll probably talk hubby's ear off tonight.

Last, but not least, I am so tired of negative election ads that I can't wait till the election is over. Of course we will have to listen to election results for a while. In Maryland, it may be a long while since an unprecedented number of folks have elected to use absentee ballots. It may be days till we know the results. I don't know if I can stand it.

Or Maybe I'm Fooling Myself

Yesterday I wrote that life was good and I was feeling good. I think I was fooling myself.

It usually takes a few seconds, after I wake up, for me to know I am depressed. I've gotten used to waking up and waiting for the weight of depression to settle in on my chest. It's not much, it doesn't stop me from enjoying life, it's just extra baggage I carry with me. It's secret, I keep it hidden, I don't tell my family, my friends or even What's His Name (the therapist).

I guess I am ashamed of it, embarrassed by it. I am on medication, I am in therapy, my life is moving forward, yet I can't shake the depression. Or maybe it's such a part of who I am that I am afraid to let it go. Afraid that I won't know who I am without it'

I was reading a post by Dead Bug about her dealing with mild PPD and not wanting to go on medication and I was going to add a comment about my experiences with PPD. Thinking about what I would say to her made me realize I am doing the same thing to myself right now. It's hard to ... move on...to admit to everyone else that I have been in effect lying to them when I say the depression is under control. Thanks Dead Bug

Life is good!!!!

Life is good. Yeah, my moods can change on a dime . Tutoring is set up for Boy A and I know he'll pull his act together.

Neither boy wanted to go out to dinner with us so Hubby and I had a date night. But I gotta say, date night was more fun when we were actually dating. Now we talk about the kids, the bills, or politics. When we were dating conversation seemed to have a lot more zing. That is not to say that I want to go back to those days. I love being married, at least I like being married to hubby.
Seventeen weeks to go.

Chill Baby, Chill

My mantra yesterday was “Chill Baby, Chill”. I was so sick of being ready to mouth off at the slightest provocation that I decided I needed to CHIL. I told myself to “Chill Baby, Chill” when the driver in front of me was going to slow for me and once again when the driver behind us pulled out and zoomed around us slowpokes (if I had to suffer that slow rate, who was he to go faster). I used it often last night, on just about every driver on the road near me (they were all in on the conspiracy to tick me off) on hubby for sleeping on the sofa, on the boys for having a genetic inability to close a cabinet door, on the cats for wanting to be petted for 20 years in one evening, on the stupid omnipresent political ads. It helped. Some. But not much.

The local Country Music radio station (I either listen to country music on NPR and NPR was going on and on about politics) has a Simple Pleasures Thursday. The DJs tell their simple pleasures and the listeners call in with theirs. My simple pleasure was at least I wasn’t dead.

All I want to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. Not that I need to be in bed to feel sorry for myself, I’m doing a good enough job of that just sitting here.

I blame in all on Boy A’s teacher. He is struggling with this class. Last year he got a high school letter for being on the honor roll all 4 quarters. But this year, for this class and only this class he is struggling. The hard thing is after each test he thinks he did really well, but it turns out he did poorly. Due to circumstances he has been in three different geometry classes this year. This teacher, who has only had him for a few weeks, can see he is struggling. Why can’t she talk to him and see what she can do to help him? Why can’t she suggest he stay after school for extra help? Why can’t she reach out to him and see what he needs? Why can’t she call me? Why do I have to be the one to always initiate contact? Why does it take her several days to respond to me?

At this point Boy A hates her and geometry. And I don’t like that. I think that attitude will interfere with learning. It is hard to want to do well for someone who you can’t stand. And I am a firm supporter of teachers. I think my guys need to pay attention to teachers, do their homework, follow the rules, be respectful and know the teacher is the boss. Those rules don’t change even if the kid doesn’t like the teacher or finds the class hard. But I think Boy A would like her if she would reach out to him, if she would treat him as a person, instead of a problem.

But I know this is a bump in the road. We will get a tutor. We will meet with the teacher, bring flowers to make nice, and see what Boy A can do, what we the parents can do and to see if we can smooth a path for Boy A and the teacher to work together better.

Crabs R Me

So I can’t smack Boy A’s teacher up the side of the head because not only is it unproductive, it is just plain rude and can land me in jail. I can’t go to jail I don’t like bologna.

Apropos of nothing, one of the women I work with is always in a great mood. She has this big beautiful, genuine smile always on her face. This morning it drove me crazy. As soon as I saw her I turned around and went another way. Seeing that smile made me want to smack her senseless.

Boy I sound like a lot of fun don’t I.

I think I just may be in a bit of a crabby mood.

I should have worn jeans to work today.

It’s hubby’s fault.

Not Ready for Prime Time

The problem with whining around hubby and the boys, that they never read my blog, is that when I want to write about one of the boys, I have to be careful. Neither has enough life experience to have perspective when I write about them. And I love them and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

One son is going through a tough learning experience. He wanted to try something, we all knew it would be a stretch, but we thought it was reachable. It turned out to be just out of his reach.

I’m feeling rather depressed about it. Not that he tried and didn’t make it. He’s a tough kid and this is a learning experience. But …well that:
· I can’t protect him – he is the one that has to go through this. All I can do is give support.
· He’s growing up. I don’t think he’s too upset by the experience, but what if he is hiding his real feelings from me. He’s growing up and needing me less—that does seem to be a constant theme with me
Maybe I should grow up. He is dealing with it


Plain Jane has a list of comments she would put on various blogs if she were in the mood to get the grief. Plain Jane is only one of 6 people to whom I have given the keys to my kingdom (the link to the blog) and the other five are my 3 guys and two good friends (Good Looking and Sweetie). I gave her the link because I was writing about her mothering skills and cause she is my favorite. But after I gave her the link I got a bad case of cold feet and realized I’m not ready for prime time. So I don’t link to anyone and I have a new blog reveal policy of don’t ask don’t tell. And all of that is background to the fact that she I can’t decide what my worst fear is (Jane list fear that is). Either she doesn’t ever read me, or I am number 34.

No, what would be worse is if she said something nice and then I might turn into a years ago Sally Fields and chirp all over these pages “She likes me, she likes me”.

I think I’ll go do real work.

I Can Fly

I’m so disappointed! I just realized I can’t fly, well really I just realized I can’t glide.

Boy A forgot to turn his clock back last night and woke up an hour early this morning. And of course, if he wakes up early he wakes up too. He must have woken me from a sound sleep, because I remembered my dream and I though about it while I was waiting to fall back asleep. Most of it was silly and dumb, but in the dream I could get around by gliding. I would step off a steep hill and gently glide, standing fully upright, to my destination, --so long as it was downhill. The dream was about something else entirely, this was just my method of transportation, but it was wonderful. It felt real. I was lying in bed remembering the gliding when I suddenly realized it was only a dream. I was so disappointed; it still feels like I just learned Santa Claus isn’t real.

Take a Number

1. I am much funnier and much more interesting in person then I am on this site. And I think that is dang unfair. I think I should be able to write better and show how fantastic I am.
2. luckily no one reads this, not even dear hubby, good looking, sweetie, Boy A or Boy B
3. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I went to see my wonderful, intelligent, stupid scum-sucking doctor for a blood pressure check and I complained about feeling lightheaded and dizzy especially after bending over. He said it was probably a reaction to either blood pressure medicine or the antidepressant and did it bother me enough to change. Yes it bothers me enough to want to change. It makes me feel sick. It makes me walk like a drunk, staggering from side to side. And I never want to look like I am a drunk.
4. mostly I want him to read my mind and know that it bothers me a lot. I don’t want to have to say it. Saying it makes me sound (at least to me) like a wuss. And yes I know that is stupid. I don’t want to have to read his mind, or my husbands mind, or my bosses mind, but they should all be able to read part of my mind, though only the part I want them to read. I sure don’t want doctor to read the part that calls him a stupid scum sucker.
5. I think I’ll try my heelies again. Last time I fell and hit my head. This time I will be protected. I’ll wear a helmet and use my father’s walker. When I told the boys what I was going to do, they forbade me to do it outside. They would be humiliated.
6. I have only 18 more weeks till R-day.
7. I have a newly discovered blog love--Fat Doctor
8. I can't post any pictures until I get my laptop back.
9. I still miss my laptop.
10. I still love Plain-Jane, Vast Veranda and Bitchypoo.
11. My love for them is unrequited.

Boys have Adventures--Moms Have None

It looks like Boy A is going on a school sponsored trip to London, Paris and Rome this spring break. He is going with a friend and the friends parents are going too. He is so excited. And I am so scared. Planes fall out of the sky, subways are attacked. What if he doesn’t come home? Why can’t I wrap him in a hand made quilt and pack him away? I could pull him out when I needed a hug and put him back when he got too mouthy?

This growing up stuff is both great and horrible. I love seeing him mature and become more responsible – though he sure has heck can’t turn off lights, close a door he opens or pick up after himself. But I miss him being little. I miss him needing me.

Boy B is wrapped up in the World of Warcraft game. He wants to spend his life on the computer. Now that mine is broken, he needs to share the table top one with his brother. He is quite annoyed. I did set up parental controls, limiting his time. Or at least I got his older brother to set up the controls. But Boy B figured out how to get around them. He wanted to start on the game 15 minutes early one day. When I said I did not know the password he sent off to their automated system and had the pass word sent via e-mail. He changed the time to 15 minutes earlier and proudly told me what he did. Somehow when they do something off, but tell you about it, it is hard to scold.

More of Nothing

I love Project Runway, but I can’t watch it when it first airs. It makes me uncomfortable to see someone booted off or on the last show to see the others lose. I like to read about it first online before I watch it. Weird!

I’m listening to The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman. It is the November book for book club. I bought the book at Audible.com and downloaded it on my iPod. It is good, but is too long. I like unabridged books; I don’t want to miss anything. But I wish I had checked to see if there was an abridged copy of this book available. I’m having a hard time staying awake while I listen to it.

Speaking of falling asleep while listening to the iPod, it works. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping these days, and I have found that listening to a book or podcast on the iPod, in bed helps me fall asleep. I try to listen to a history lesson type podcast, or a written history. They work a lot better then a Stephen King novel. The only down side is I don’t seem to hear much of it because I usually fall asleep quite soon. And if it is something I am really interested in I have to click back to find the last part I remember hearing.

I am Woman and Life is Hard

I had this plan in my head about the way things would work out. I was going to stand up for myself, I was going to be strong, I could hear Helen Reddy singing in the background (I am woman, I am strong…). But things did not work out the way I has planned. I didn’t get the outcome I thought I would. I didn’t get the outcome I wanted. And I understood that that could happen, but I wanted the outcome I wanted.

I know that if I had the chance to do it all over again, there is not much I would change. I still prefer the me who stood up for herself, but every once and I while something happens that makes me realize there is often a price to every gain. And that price can sometimes be very high. The price I paid for standing up form my self was high; I lost someone I thought was a good friend.

That loss makes me sad. Even though the price was worth the gain, it is a hard price to pay.

And my lap top won't turn on. I have to get in line at home behind 3 guys. Life is hard. I am addicted to that lap top.

Disjointed Ramblings

Went out last night with the girls and had a great time. Mostly we sit and talk about our lives. It’s especially interesting since though we are all relatively close in age, we are at very different stages in our relationship live. Good looking is single and was looking, though she recently started dating someone very, very special, Sweetie and her husband are empty nesters, living far away from the grandkids, but close to the granddog and I am the mother of teens who both dreams about and dreads the empty nest days. We have different political beliefs, different religions different out looks on life, but we always have a great time together. Most of that is because we can and do talk about anything. Nothing is taboo and while we offer feedback on each others actions, it is loving feedback. In a way they are like my husband or my therapist. I can say what I feel or think and know they will still love me. It’s what friendship should be.


My parents frequently say that getting older is not for sissies. The physical changes are hard to take. I can see some of what they are saying in my own life. I take medicine for blood pressure and recently I have started to feel lightheaded when I get up in the morning. The feeling gets worse after I take my shower. The other day I bent over to pick up the dirty clothes thought I going to pass out. I could not walk in a straight line and even holding on to the furniture I staggered around like a drunk, and no I don’t drink a bottle of wine before I even get out of bed. I do have an appointment with the stupid doctor (he’s not stupid and I like him-but it makes me feel better to call him the stupid doctor-though not to his face) next week. I guess that is a good thing.

My life seems to be paralleling plain-Jane (through no fault of her own), Boy B is now obsessed with that dang World of Warcraft –or some such name- game. The worst part of it is has taken over my laptop so he can play on it while Boy A hogs the table top. I am going through computer withdrawal. I have to admit it that I think Hubby is happier, I talk to him now instead of catching up on my blogs and playing dynamite.

This was just a series of disjointed stories, I am feeling disjointed. It took me an extra half hour to get to work because their was an accident on the beltway, the beltway was backed up and the feeder roads were also backed up. Unfortunately the folks on Route 70 don’t realize the far left lane is all mine.

26 Candles

I was going to remove a candle a week and take a picture a week. I do remove the candle, but only take a picture every couple of weeks. That's okay. I'm getting closer and closer to retiring and really looking forward to it.

In this picture, hubby has a fire extinguisher -- part of me was afraid I was going to burn the house down. Twenty six candles on one small mantle was a lot.

That was 6 and a half weeks ago.

I'm home today. I felt really light headed and couldn't even walk straight. That has happened several times recently. I should call the stupid doctor, bt I hate doctors. I hate going to the doctor.

I Want Him to Need Me

One of the county high schools is organizing a Spring break trip to London, Paris and Rome. One of Boy A’s friends is going on the trip, and his parents will be going too. Boy A wants to go. I want to let him, it would be a great opportunity, it would also be the first time he went anywhere (for other then a day) with out us or grandparents. I want him to go, he probably will go, but at the same time it scares the hell out of me. What if the plane explodes, what if there is another attack on a subway system over there, what if…, you parents know all the “what ifs” that are going through my mind. I worry about all the bad things that could, but are very unlikely to happen. I also worry about the good things that are likely to happen, he’ll mature, he’ll realize he doesn’t need us so much; he’ll grow up more and more. He is growing up. And I like it, but I miss his needing me so much. Every week he needs me a little less. He is hanging with friends, making intelligent decisions, needing me less. I still need him to need me.

Misery Does Not Want Company

Boy A had a Birthday, Poker, Sleep Over Party and I am exhauseted and feeling miserable and sorry for myself. I don't know why I'm feeling so blah. His party went well, the guys were very nice. He had a great time, they didn't get much sleep, but they were relatively quiet and if I could have slept I would have gotten enough sleep. I'm not sleep deprived.

Partly I'm angry with myself. I brought home some wine, because I had promised the mom of one of the boys that I would have chilled white wine ready for her. Unfortunately I had a glass with her and two more after she left. The last was while I was watching TV in my room (Hubby and I were banished to our bedroom except for periodic parent checks) until takeout dinner arrived. It took about 20 minutes for it to come, or so I hear. I was sound asleep by the time the delivery guy arrived and I didn't wake up until midnight. I was tired, but I doubt I would have slept so soundly if I hadn't had so much to drink. Why didn't I stop at one or two glasses. I feel like an alcoholic in the making and I don't like it. I missed my son's party. I didn't lead the singing of happy birthday. I wasn't there when he opened his presents. I feel very. very remiss.

Misery doesn't want company because all I want to do is sulk in my room. And dang, at 55 I think it is against the law to sulk all day.

Tips of the Day

Fashion Tip for the day—snazzy shoes with lots of air holes may not be a good choice for the cooler fall days.
Driving Tip for the day—Allowing one or two school busesexit from the school parking lot to the main road is nice, allowing all 5 million and 8 is rude and the normally pleasant person behind you will resist getting out of the car and beating you with a stick only by sitting on the horn and talking about your lack of brains.
Parking Tip of the day--remember where you park you stupid car so you don't need to call your long suffsufferinguse (who works for the same place) saying "honey I can't find my car. Can you come help me look?" The when he finds it where you swore you did'didn'tk you wont have to feel like a fool.

Weekend At the Spa

Hubby and I spent a wonderful weekend at Deerfield spa in Pa. I had a wonderful time and he had a nice time. The food was fantastic and healthy. It really surprised me that I could eat so well on so few calories. It inspired me to cook with less fat and more vegetables. The first dinner I made when we came back was chicken and mixed veggies. Each portion had about a cup of veggies and the meat from a chicken thigh. Hubby and I loved it, the boys not so much.

We each had a massage. I loved the part where she pulled on my neck as if to make me taller.

We exercised some, but didn't really take good advantage of the opportunity. We took a nice walk in a nearby park, about a mile or a little more and I swam laps in the heated outdoor pool. I loved the pool, the water was the perfect temperature, I was the only one in the pool and it felt like I was in heaven. I liked it so much I think I'll start swimming at the local indoor pool. I say that now, but body image is hard. Part of the reason I didn't do more exercises at the spa, was body image, skill----what the heck, it all goes back to I didn't do group exercises because I did not want people to see me exercise, I did not want them to see me jiggle, to see my lack of skill and grace.

Oh well, I did take a walk after dinner. I ate healthy. And I only have 21 more weeks till I retire.

God Loves His Children

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

There is a Fly in His Drink

We went to a new restaurant tonight, and it was fancier and pricier then we thought it would be. All the guys loved their food, by I tried some dang kind of shark and it tasted ick. I spent $30 bucks for a meal that I could not eat. The problem is I didn't like it. I don't think food is returnable if I just make a wrong choice. If it had been poorly cooked or prepared, that would of bee different, but since I just made a bad choice I ate my salad and my rice and drank my wine.

Luckily, I received a free glass of wine because Boy A found a fly in his soda. He got a new drink too. I enjoyed the wine.

I've been thinking about the Amish today. I am struck by the way they deal with tragedy. I see the value of working not to hold anger against the person who has done them wrong. Especially in a case like this. I look at the hurtful things that have happened to me. I want to hold on to the anger, I want to blame, I want the person who hurt me to hurt. The sad thing is that none of that brings relief. Holding on to anger and blame, hurts the holder and has no effect on the person we blame. If the Amish can forgive the man who killed their children, I should be able to forgive all those I think have harmed me. I still have my children. I can hold them, see them. I can and do thank God for adding them to my life. I have all that I really need. I have my family.

My Boys are Driving me Bonkers

Boy A was just sent to his room for taking my wallet out of my purse and sneaking it into the computer room. He was going to sign up so he could bid for something on eBay.

He had asked his dad for a credit card and we told him no. We did not want to sign up on eBay till we knew more about it. So he walked into the other room and took my wallet. When he was caught, he spent his time alternating between saying he did not do anything wrong and we were so dumb because we would not sign up for eBay. Grrr. I sent him to his room. He came out after a few minutes asking if he could come down, because after all he didn't do anything wrong.

Oh well, it goes with his age. In many ways I think this is a wonderful age. I see him alternating between being a wonderful, thoughtful, caring young man and a self centered little pain in the butt. I see him grow and expand and become an interesting person. We'll all get through it.

PreRetirement Trial

I was off all last week, on sick leave. Monday was the CAT scan to verify that the cancer has not come back, Tuesday I just felt miserable - either a reaction to the contrast dye, or the start of the cold that kept me home for the rest of the week. It is just wrong, I want to spend my days off doing something a little more exciting then drinking tons of water to bloat myself so the CAT scan can see all there is to see or feeling miserable and sleeping. Oh well in 22 weeks, I will.

And of course, going back to work after taking an unplanned week off is like dropping into hell for a short while. I was way to busy. And I'll be way to busy tomorrow.
Even so, it was good to get out of the house and do stuff.

Hubby and I are going to a health spa this weekend - Friday thru Sunday. I'm kind of scared. I am neither fit nor thin. I am going because I want to make health and fitness a priority. I want to jump start exercise and good eating. What if we don't fit in with the other people there? What if the staff look at us with disgust? I tell myself I'm 55 and don't care what people think about me, but really I do. I shouldn't but I do.

Maybe I'll just plain be out and out rude to anyone who disses me.

I will tell myself all the way up that we are there to make a big change. We are there for ourselves and if they are rude to me, I will talk about them like a dirt dog.